Das Bus script

ACT ONE

A storm rages on a dark cloudy sky and Noah, played by Troy McClure, waits for God to command him.

GOD
Noah! They shalt builts thyself an ark, measuring 300 cubits in length!

MCCLURE
(writing on a stone tablet) 300 cubits... give or take.

GOD
Exactly 300! And thou shalt taketh two of every creature!

MCCLURE
(writing it down) Two creatures.

GOD
Two of EVERY creature!

MCCLURE
Even stink beetles?

GOD
ESPECIALLY stink beetles!

In the Simpson living room, the family are watching this great film.

BART
Whoa, cool, God is so in your face!

HOMER
Yeah, he's my favorite fictional character.

Marge notices the time.

MARGE
Oh, it's so late! You kids have to go to bed!

BART
But the flood's only knee-high! At least let us watch 'til the midgets drown!

LISA
Yeah, mom, c'mon! You let us stay up to watch Troy McClure in such other bible epics as David vs. Super-Goliath and Suddenly Last Supper!

BART
Go Lis! Way to cite precedent!

Bart and Lisa high five.

MARGE
Oh, alright, you can stay up late tonight, but tomorrow everyone's going to bed at 5 o'clock!

HOMER
Woo hoo!

The family attentively watches the TV. Cut to everyone dreary-eyed as they watch the end of the movie, which ends with a rainbow emerging from dark clouds.

LISA
(weary) Aw, those poor badgers are soaked.

HOMER
Quiet. God looks like he has something important to say.

GOD
Go forth, Noah! And remember! The key to salvation is--

Suddenly, the screen splits and Kent Brockman reports.

KENT
You've seen the movie, now meet a real-life Noah! Only this Noah has been accused of KILLING two of every animal! Coming up next on A.M. Springfield!

Forcing herself to awareness, Marge notices the time. Maggie is sleeping across Marge's lap.

MARGE
Ooh, my goodness! That was a long movie. It's time for school. Let's go! Let's go!

Bart and Lisa trudge through the kitchen. Homer makes a phone call.

HOMER
Ah, can't make it in today, Mr. Smithers! I have smallpox! ...Well, it wasn't wiped out in MY house!

A Model UN Club meeting is in progress at Springfield elementary.

SKINNER
Ok, delegates, you leave tomorrow for the statewide Model U.N., so this is out last chance to bone up. And bone we will!

All of the kids break into laughter, except Lisa.

BART
(to Lisa) Lighten up, Lis.

SKINNER
(to Martin) Finland, let's see that naitve dance.

Martin starts dancing Lappish style.

SKINNER
Smile more. Work that pelvis. No, too much smile. Sit down. (to Milhouse) Poland! Tell us about your nation's achievements!

MILHOUSE
Well, uh, I heard they sent a rocket to the sun once... at night... And there was that submarine, with the screen doors...

SKINNER
No, no, no, no, no, young man, you need to do some SERIOUS boning!

This time only Lisa laughs.

BART
Oh, grow up, Lis.

SKINNER
(to Bart) OK, Libya... exports!

BART
Yes, sir, you American pig!

SKINNER
(chuckles) Nice touch.

BART
Uh, ahem, let's see...

Bart shuffles his blank papers, pretending to find something.

BART
The exports of Libya are numerous in amount. One thing they export is corn, or as the Indians call it, "maize". Another famous Indian was "Crazy Horse". In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrast. Thank you.

A commotion interrupts Skinner before he can comment on Bart's performance. Nelson, the Japanese delegate, pinches Wendell's nose with chopsticks.

WENDELL
Oww, I can't breath! Please stop him!

SKINNER
I'd like to, but I'm afraid he has diplomatic immunity.

LISA
Point of order, if we want to learn anything we must respec--

BART
Point of odor, Lisa stinks.

All the kids laugh.

SHERRI
(to Bart) Hey. Leave her alone!

NELSON
(to Sherri) You leave her alone!

All the kids start fighting with each other, with one exception. Ralph, the Canadian delegate, stands.

RALPH
(singing) Oh, Canada!

Skinner bangs his shoe on the table.

SKINNER
Order, order! Do you kids wanna be like the real U.N., or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?

The next day, the kids board the bus.

MARGE
Have a great weekend, kids. Be nice to the underprivileged countries.

WIGGUM
Good luck, Ralphie. If your nose starts bleeding it means you're picking it too much... or not enough.

Skinner makes an announcement after everyone is aboard the bus.

SKINNER
Ok, kids, Otto's in charge. (quietly to Otto) Remember, Otto. We're trusting you with our greatest natural resource... the school bus.

Back at home, Homer checks his mail out by the mailbox.

HOMER
Water bill, third notice. Jury duty, third notice. Mortgage bill.. ooh, second notice!

Homer drops the bill down the storm drain.

HOMER
Flancrest Enterprises?

Flanders overhears Homer since he is out by his mailbox.

NED
Oops! That's for me! Flancrest Enterprises is my home business.

HOMER
You liar! You don't have a home business, why would you make up a lie like that?

NED
No, it's true! Maude and I sell religious book rugs over the Internet!

HOMER
(smooth) Internet, eh?

NED
Yes, indeedy! Making some good scratch, too!

HOMER
(smooth) Scratch, eh?

NED
Yep!

HOMER
(smooth) Maude, eh?

Back in the Simpson dining room, Homer sets up his new home business. He makes sure to bring all the essentials to his "desk": typewriter, a drinking bird toy, some office supplies and the family portrait he takes from the wall.

MARGE
Homer, what are you doing?

HOMER
No time to answer that, Marge. I'm setting up a home office for my new business enterprise.

MARGE
What business enterprise?

HOMER
Ever hear of a little thing called the Internet?

MARGE
Internet, eh?

HOMER
Oh yeah. Everybody's making money off the Internet except us. We've fallen behind. WAY behind.

Marge takes notice of Homer's pencil holder, the butter and butter dish.

MARGE
Is that my good butter?

HOMER
Can't discuss that now, Marge! I have to write another delicious memo!

Homer takes a pencil from the butter and licks it.

HOMER
Mmm... memo.

Otto's driving while he hears kids singing.

KIDS
Sixty three bottles of beer on the wall, sixty three bottles of beer...

OTTO
Oh, this song is driving me crazy.

Otto fast forwards his cassette tape, and we see the kids on the bus are silent.

KIDS
B-I-N-G-O and bingo was his name-o!

OTTO
Man, I don't know why I bought this stupid tape!

Otto takes removes a cassette titled "Songs to Annoy Bus Drivers" and tosses it out the window. Pan to Bart and Nelson at the very back of the bus. Nelson opens the cooler with food. Nelson pulls out an orange.

NELSON
Hey Simpson. Race ya.

Bart reaches in and grabs an apple.

BART
First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money.

MARTIN
What?!

Nelson and Bart roll their fruit up the bus aisle.

BART
Go apple!

NELSON
Go orange!

Ralph lays a banana in the aisle.

RALPH
Go Banana!

Ralph has a very disappointed look on his face as his banana doesn't roll. The kids cheer on the fruit. Milhouse grabs a grapefruit from the cooler.

MILHOUSE
Make way for grapefruit. Go grapefruit.

Milhouse rolls the grapefruit pass all the other fruit and it lands wedged behind the brake pedal. The bus passes a "SLOW. BRIDGE AHEAD." sign. Being a good driver, Otto attempts to press the brake pedal, but the grapefruit prevents any such action.

OTTO
Uh! What the?!

Otto slam his foot on the pedal squishing the grapefruit and getting juice in his eyes.

OTTO
It burns! I can't see!

Otto drives the bus with his eyes close, bouncing off both guardrails. The kids get flopped all over the bus and panic.

OTTO
Stay calm, kids. I need you to be my eyes.

The bus drives through a guardrail now, and starts falling.

OTTO
Ok, which way should I turn?

ACT TWO

Seagulls fly by over a calm ocean setting. We hear screaming as the bus falls into the water. The screaming stops. A lone seagull flies by. The bus then floats to the surface. Kids scream. Wendell looks like he's going to puke.

RALPH
(watching his banana) Go banana.

Otto struggles with the steering wheel.

OTTO
Just hang tight kids. I'll swim for help.

Otto swims out the bus window into open sea. The tide pulls him backwards.

OTTO
What the?! Zeppelin rules!

Otto floats out to the horizon. Kids continue to moan as the water level in the bus quickly rises.

BART
I guess this is the end, Wendell.

LEWIS
He's Wendell! (points to Wendell) I'm Lewis!

BART
Well, whatever, just tell Wendell I said bye.

The bus gets slammed against a rock, scraping a gash in the side. This lets in more water, but the kids get washed out of the bus. Milhouse flails.

MILHOUSE
Somebody help me! I think I'm getting swimmer's ear!

Bart swims to help Milhouse, and the bus sinks under the water as the kids watch. The bus makes the "beeping" associated when a big vehicle backs up. The kids swim to the shore of a nearby island. The kids sit on the sand, most of them crying.

SHERRI
This is all Lisa's fault, she started the stupid U.N. club!

LISA
Hey! Martin seconded the motion, it's entirely his fault.

NELSON
People, people! Let's not blame each other! We all know this is Milhouse's fault!

MILHOUSE
Huh?

SHERRI
Yeah, you and your stupid grapefruit almost got us killed!

All the kids argue between themselves, until they hear a horn sound. Bart stand atop a rock with a conch shell in his hand.

BART
What's everyone's problem? I'm glad we're stranded! It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing! We're gonna live like kings! Damn, hell, ass kings!

As "Under the Sea" plays, a fantasy sequence is imagined with the kids living in a wonderful tree settlement. Martin takes a shower. Wendell uses a water slide. Sherri and Terri drive a bamboo and grass car. Ralph pigs out on food and a monkey butler brings Nelson a drink. Back to reality.

BART
And every night the monkey butlers will regale us with jungle stories.

NELSON
How many monkey butlers will there be?

BART
One at first. But he'll train others.

All the kids marvel at such a great future. Bart climbs down from the rock.

BART
Good, let's get to work! Me and Nelson will build the treehouse. Martin, draw up plans for a coconut radio, and if possible, a coconut Nintendo system.

LISA
What about the rest of us?

BART
You guys gather food for the big feast tonight! And maybe a little wine for the older kids.

NELSON
Delicious wine?

BART
Exactly.

Back in the new Simpsons' home office.

HOMER
Oh, what am I gonna call my Internet company? All the good names are taken. Oh wait, I've got it! Flancrest Enterprises! (looks in a book) D'oh!

MARGE
What exactly is it your company does again?

HOMER
This industry moves so fast it's really hard to tell. That's why I need a name that's cutting-edge, like CutCo, EdgeCom, InterSlice... come on, Marge, you're good at these! Help me out!

MARGE
How about... CompuGlobalHyperMegaNet?

HOMER
Fine, it's not important... What really matters is my title. I think I'll make myself... vice president. (excitedly) No, wait! Junior vice president!

The phone rings, and Homer answers it.

HOMER
CompuGlobalHyperMegaNet, junior vice president Homer Simpson speaking, how may I direct your call? (disappointedly) It's Patty.

Homer hands the phone to Marge.

Back to the tropical island. Bart sounds the horn as all the kids return from their duties.

BART
Food patrol we're all starved. Let's see what you got.

Lisa pulls a few berries from her pocket.

BART
That's it?! What happened to all the lobsters, mangos and chewy chewy cocoa beans.

LISA
All we found were these oozing berries. And they look pretty poisonous.

RALPH
I ated the purple berries! Ow...

Ralph drops to the ground and continues moaning. The kids gather around Ralph, watching.

BART
How are they, Ralph? Good?

RALPH
They taste like... burning!

BART
Okay, food patrol blew it.

MILHOUSE
Yeah? Well your treehouse looks kinda crummy, too. Kinda REALLY crummy!

The tree house is just a bunch of sticks lying in a haphazard house shape.

BART
Well, when monsoon season comes, you'll be glad it's there!

With no assistance, the treehouse falls to pieces.

BART
No food. No shelter. No monkey butlers. This island is a death hole. We should have just swum for it like Otto.

Cut to Otto, in the middle of the ocean.

OTTO
Well, I'm done for... at least I'll leave a beautiful corpse.

Otto sinks underwater. A net pulls up and drags Otto with it.

OTTO
Whoa!

A seaman empties the net onto the deck of the boat.

OTTO
Ho! Thank the good dude I'm saved. And we can go back for the kids too.

Two fisherman converse in an East-Asian language.

FISHERMAN 1
(subtitle) Do we need another slave laborer in the cannery?

FISHERMAN 2
(subtitle) You can never have too many slave laborers.

OTTO
I think I'm going to like it on this boat.

Back on the island.

MILHOUSE
Run for your lives! Monster! Monster!

All the kids run and hide behind bushes or trees except Ralph who just covers his eyes. Realizing no monster is present, the kids come out of hiding.

NELSON
There's no monster you big scaredy. (teasingly) Scaredy got scared.

MILHOUSE
Well, you'd be scared too, if you saw a monster.

NELSON
Nu-uh.

MILHOUSE
Uh-huh!

NELSON
Unlikely!

MILHOUSE
Likely!

LISA
Knock it off! We gotta find a way to light a fire.

Lisa drops a bunch of sticks into a fire pit.

NELSON
No problem, we can use Scardie's glasses.

Nelson swipes Milhouse's glasses from his head, and proceeds to use them as a flint. Milhouse staggers around, dazed.

MILHOUSE
Hey. What's he doin'? What's that sound?

Nelson puts Milhouse's glasses back on his head.

NELSON
There you go. Good as new.

MILHOUSE
What's good as new? Who's talking?

It's night time and the kids sit around the fireplace.

TERRI
I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's!

LISA
Oh my gosh!

NELSON
That IS hungry.

LISA
REALLY hungry...

We hear a low growling noise.

MILHOUSE
It's the monster!

Milhouse takes a few tokes from his asthma inhaler.

BART
No it's not, it's my tummy. (Nelson stares aggressively) I mean stomach! Gut! Crap factory!

Nelson nods in acknowledgement. Lisa gets some inspiration.

LISA
Wait a minute... we had a cooler full of snacks on the bus.

BART
Hey, yeah! And I think I know how I can get it.

Bart swipes Milhouse's inhaler.

MILHOUSE
Hey! I need that to live!

Bart swims out and dives down to the bus using the inhaler as a respirator. The bus is full of large sea life. He tugs on the door, and pulls it free. As he grabs the cooler, a puffed up puffer fish startles him and Bart screams. The puffer shrinks down to normal size. Bart laughs and turns to swim back to shore. The fish bites him on the ass. On shore...

BART
Does anyone here like... food?

The kids cheer and start tearing into the food stuffing their faces.

LISA
Stop! We may have to live on this food for a long time, so no more until tomorrow!

Lisa puts all the food in the cooler and closes it.

MILHOUSE
But I'm hungry now!

SHERRI
Me too!

NELSON
Yeah, who put the duchess of dork in charge?

LISA
No one, but if we're gonna survive we need rules and order. Let's not forget what we learned in the U.N. club.

Martin starts his Finnish dance.

LISA
Not now, Martin.

In the morning, the kids wake.

LISA
Who wants rations?!

Everyone shouts "Me, me!"

NELSON
I'm so hungry I could puke.

The kids go to the cooler, but it's empty.

SHERRI
Where'd all the food go?

They look over at a sleeping Milhouse and see candy wrappers all around him.

MILHOUSE
Morning. Is it time to eat?

Nelson pokes Milhouse in the stomach with a stick.

NELSON
Looks like you already did.

MILHOUSE
What're you talking about?

LEWIS
You ate our food!

TERRI
Thanks a lot, Milhouse. Now we're all gonna die because of you!

MILHOUSE
But I swear I didn't do it!

Milhouse belches and Nelson smells his breath.

NELSON
Nacho cheese. Get him!

Nelson raises a stick and all the kids converge on Milhouse.

ACT THREE

MILHOUSE
You wouldn't dare hurt me! You forget that I have... the glasses!

Nelson again takes the glasses of Milhouse's face.

NELSON
Yoink!

MILHOUSE
(nervously) Well... now that you've got every you need, I'll just, y'know, get out of your hair...

Milhouse turns around and walks away from Nelson, but bumps into him on the other side.

NELSON
Not so fast, two eyes! Come on, let's slice him open and get our food back!

LISA
Wait! We're not savages. We live in a society of law. Milhouse has the right to a fair trial.

All the kids groan, but relent.

NELSON
Society blows.

At the Android Dungeon the Comic Book Guy taps at his computer keyboard. You see a nude picture being downloaded on his screen.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Oh, Captain Janeway... Lace - the final brassiere!

The downloading is excruciating slow.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Hurry up! I'm a busy man.

Comic Book Guy slurps his soda for quite a while.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Ugh, this high-speed modem is intolerably slow!

Once the picture is about to reveal naked cleavage, Homer's "Internet King" ad pops up, covering the saucy parts.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Hey! What the-- the Internet King? I wonder if he can provide faster nudity.

The Comic Book Guy sits in Homer's "office".

HOMER
Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?

COMIC BOOK GUY
I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring Ethernet LAN configuration?

Homer stares at Comic Book Guy blankly in silence.

HOMER
Can I have some money now?

Back on the island. Milhouse is on trial. Bart is the judge and Milhouse is kept in a bamboo cage.

MILHOUSE
Is this cage really necessary?

BART
No talking in the cage. Court is now in session. All rise.

All the kids rise.

BART
Nah-ha, made you rise!

LISA
Your honor, the defense calls it's first and only witness -- Milhouse Van Houten.

The jury and Nelson, the prosecutor, mumble. Milhouse picks up the cage at the bottom and carries it with him as he moves near the judge's "bench."

LISA
Milhouse, did you steal the food?

MILHOUSE
Nuh-uh, no way.

LISA
Could anybody else have taken it?

MILHOUSE
Well... I guess you could have!

LISA
(surprised) Milhouse, I am defending you!

MILHOUSE
Oh, sorry, I'm just saying it was either you or the monster.

NELSON
Monster, pfft oh, please.

BART
I remind you, we are not here to debate the existence of monsters.

The kids grown in disappointment.

LISA
The defense has just one more question. Did any one of you actually see Milhouse eat the food? (no one answers) I rest my case.

BART
(to Nelson) Prosecutor. Your witness.

Nelson rises reading as he is examining a notepad. He paces a few times back and forth in front of Milhouse. Then he starts punching Milhouse.

NELSON
You liar! You did it! You lying jerk, take that! You did it, you did it!

LISA
Objection! He's not asking any questions.

BART
(thinking) Hmm. I'm gonna allow this.

Nelson punches Milhouse a bunch more times.

NELSON
Prosecution rests.

Nelson sits down.

BART
After careful deliberation, it's my opinion that Milhouse probably did eat the food. But since there's no proof, I must find him... Not Guilty!

Bart pounds his hammer-gavel on his rock-desk.

MILHOUSE
Alright!

Milhouse lifts the cage over his head and and tosses it aside.

MARTIN
But he ate our food!

LISA
The law has spoken.

NELSON
Ah, sucks to the law.

Nelson throws a rock and hits Milhouse and breaks his glasses. Other kids start picking up rocks.

LISA
Stop. Leave Milhouse alone! (to Bart) Help me out here, Bart.

BART
I don't know Lis. To be honest, that verdict made me pretty angry.

NELSON
Bart's with us, law girl. Step aside.

Nelson shoves Lisa. Bart intervenes.

BART
Hey man. Leave my sister alone!

NELSON
Oh, so you're one of them. (spits) So be it.

Nelson turns around and starts a chant.

NELSON
Kill the dorks!

LEWIS
Bash their butts!

SHERRI
Kick their shins!

KIDS
Kill the dorks! Bash their butts!

LISA
(chanting in the same way) Run a-way!

Bart, Lisa and Milhouse dart off. Nelson stops by the fire pit and paints his face with ashes.

NELSON
The hunt is on.

Back at the peaceful Simpsons house. Homer is reading "Internet for Dummies".

HOMER
Oh, they have the Internet on computers now!

MARGE
Homer, Bill Gates is here.

HOMER
Bill Gates?! Millionaire computer nerd Bill Gates! Oh my god. Oh my god. Get out of sight, Marge. I don't want this to look like a two-bit operation.

Marge groans and rolls her eyes. Bill Gates and two "associates" enter.

GATES
Mr. Simpson?

HOMER
You don't look so rich.

GATES
Don't let the haircut fool you, I am exceedingly wealthy.

HOMER
(quietly to Marge) Get a load of the bowl-job, Marge!

GATES
Your Internet ad was brought to my attention, but I can't figure out what, if anything, CompuGlobalHyperMegaNet does, so rather than risk competing with you, I've decided simply to buy you out.

Homer and Marge step aside to talk privately.

HOMER
This is it Marge. I've poured my heart and soul into this business and now it's finally paying off. (covering his mouth) We're rich! Richer than astronauts.

MARGE
Homer quiet. Acquire the deal.

HOMER
(to Gates) I reluctantly accept your proposal!

GATES
Well everyone always does. Buy 'em out, boys!

Bill Gates companions begin to trash the "office".

HOMER
Hey, what the hell's going on!

GATES
Oh, I didn't get rich by writing a lot of checks!

Bill Gates lets out a maniacal laugh. Homer and Marge cower in the corner as the room continues to be trashed.

On the island, Nelson and the others, all with war-painted faces, chase Bart, Lisa and Milhouse. They howl like Indians except for Ralph. Painted like a cat, Ralph meows. The chase goes on. Milhouse drops from exhaustion.

MILHOUSE
I can't go on, you two go ahead... and carry me with you!

Bart and Lisa groan and pick up Milhouse to carry him.

LISA
Come on, man!

MILHOUSE
Hurry, they're catching up.

The chase continues. The three come to a gorge. Bart grabs a vine hanging from a tree and hands it to Milhouse.

BART
Here, Milhouse, you go first.

Milhouse swings across.

BART
Okay. Now throw the vine back.

MILHOUSE
There's no time!

Milhouse runs off, stranding Bart and Lisa. Bart sees a loose tree and pushes it over to span the gorge. They run across and come upon Milhouse lying on a rock in front of a cave.

LISA
Look! We can hide in that cave.

They enter and it is black, except for their 6 eyes.

LISA
We should be safe in here.

NELSON
(from outside) They're trapped in the cave. Move in for the kill!

LISA
Oh, figs.

The cave lights up from the mobs torches. Lisa stands tall.

LISA
Stop! You are in violation of the Model U.N. charter!

Surprised the mob halts. So Lisa continues.

LISA
That's right. The U.N. doesn't look too kindly on--

NELSON
The Monster!

All the kids scream and run out of the cave. They are followed by a wild boar. The kids hide behind a rock, and peak out from behind once the "monster" emerges.

MARTIN
You're monster appears to be nothing but a run of the mill wild boar.

BART
Hey look at his tusk.

Everyone notices the Chippos bag on the boar's tusk.

NELSON
So the boar ate our food. Oh, sorry about that whole trying to kill you thing.

MILHOUSE
Yeah, well you should be. I only stole two sandwiches and a bag of Doritos.

LISA
Hey, if a boar can survive here, there must be a source of food! Look, he's licking slime off that rock! That's what he's been eating -- slime! And there's enough slime for all of us! We're saved!

The kids look unsure. That night, they roast the boar over the fire.

NELSON
Mmm, all that slime made the boar extra tender!

MARTIN
More snout anyone?

BART
Mmm. How's your dinner, Lis?

Lisa is licking slime from a rock.

LISA
Ah, shut up... savages...

The camera slowly zooms out from the kids eating, and eventually shows the whole island. James Earl Jones narrates the ending to the story:

NARRATOR
So the children learned how to function as a society, and eventually they were rescued by, oh, let's say... Moe.