Simpsons episode scripts

LOVEJOY
For the latest rock band to die in our town. Lord, hear our prayer.

CONGREGATION
Lord, hear our prayer.

Car tyres screech to a halt outside. We see the Simpsons' silhouettes as the family make their way to the church door. Their conversation can also be heard.

MARGE
I hate being late!

HOMER
Well I hate going. Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way, by praying like hell on my death bed.

MARGE
Homer, they can hear you inside!

HOMER
Relax! Those pious morons are too busy talking to their phoney-baloney God!

"The Simpsons Christmas Special" appears on screen. The episode begins with Homer, Marge and Maggie arriving at Springfield Elementary School. They are late for the schools' Christmas show.

MARGE
Oh, careful, Homer!

HOMER
There's no time to be careful, we're late.

Bart and Lisa are fishing. A car pulls up and a man gets out.

SHUTTON
Ah, so kids, caught anything?

LISA
Not yet, sir.

SHUTTON
Uh-huh. What are you using for bait?

LISA
My brother's using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.

The episode starts in a large mansion. Senator Medoza taps his glass to call attention to his dinner guests.

MENDOZA
My friends, tonight we unveil my most diabolical creation: Swank. Ten times more addictive than marijuana.

GUESTS
Ooh!

MENDOZA
To human misery!

Suddenly, the ice sculpture bursts and TV action hero McBain bursts out.

MCBAIN
Ice to see you!

At Burns' mansion. The shots pans down past several signs on the gate: Keep Out; Danger Electrified Fence; Trespassers Will Be Shot; Free Kittens - Inquire Within. Outside the front door, several guards march up and down, chanting.

GUARDS
All we own, we o-own, all we own, we o-own.

SMITHERS
(leaning out of a window) Shh!

GUARDS
(quieter) All we own, we o-own, all we own, we o-own...

Bart wanders through an art gallery, with many scary paintings of the Simpsons family behind him.

BART
Paintings: lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to hell, so scary and horrible and gruesome that--

MARGE
Bart! You should warn people this episode is very frightening. And maybe they'd rather listen to that old "War of the Worlds" broadcast on NPR, hmm?

BART
Yes, mother.

At the Kwik-E-Mart.

MAN 1
I need one twenty-nine-cent stamp.

APU
That's a dollar-eighty-five.

MAN 2
I'd like two dollars worth of gas, please.

APU
Four-twenty.

MARTIN
How much is your penny candy?

APU
Surprisingly expensive!

Homer is playing poker at Lenny's house. Also present are Moe, Barney and Carl.

MOE
All right, I raise a quarter.

LENNY I'm out.
CARL I'm out.
BARNEY I'm out. Whoa!

He passes out and falls off his chair.

MOE
Homer, do you want any cards? Homer!

Homer is choking on something. Moe slaps him on the back, and he coughs up a chip.

HOMER
Whoo! Don't try to eat these so-called 'chips'.

The episode starts at Springfield Elementary. The children stand outside. Principal Skinner stands in front of then, wearing goggles.

SKINNER
And now, to top off our most propane-explosion-free science week ever, our grand finale: the launching of a weather balloon!

The children cheer. Bart's voice can be heard over the top.

BART
Go, weather balloon! Hurrah for science, woo!

SKINNER
(quietly) "Hurrah for science, woo"? I can't say I approve of the "woo" but the "hurrah" was quite heartening.

Leonard Nimoy is sitting behind a desk in a darkened room.

NIMOY
Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies, and in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer...is no.
Our story begins on a Friday morning, in a little town called Springfield...

The episode opens with the Krusty the Klown show, and Krusty is covered in cream pies.

KRUSTY
I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids! Now it's time for another fanschmabulous episode of... Itchy and Scratchy!

The episode is titled "Why Do Fools Fall In Lava?" Itchy makes Scratchy bungee jump into a volcano using his intestine. Scratchy dangles just above the lava, and Itchy pours gasoline into him until Scratchy goes up in flames. The Simpsons TV is turned on, displaying this episode, but with no one watching. Marge walks through the living room and notices.

Kent Brockman delivers the news.

KENT
(chuckling) ...which if true, means death for us all. And now, "Kent's People!" Tonight's inspiring story is about Frank Grimes, a thirty-five-year-old Springfieldianite who's earned everything the hard way, but never let adversity get him down.

We see a young boy in the back seat of a car.

KENT
Abandoned by his parents at age four, Frank never got to go to school.

In fact, Grimes is not in the car, he is stood behind as the car drives off.

The Simpsons watch TV. A commercial comes on. A man barbeques a soccer ball, and throws it towards the camera.

MAN
Open wide for some soccer!

Several soccer clips follow, with a voice over.

TV ANNOUNCER
The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield! It's all here - fast-kicking, low scoring, and ties? You bet!

A storm rages on a dark cloudy sky and Noah, played by Troy McClure, waits for God to command him.

GOD
Noah! They shalt builts thyself an ark, measuring 300 cubits in length!

MCCLURE
(writing on a stone tablet) 300 cubits... give or take.

GOD
Exactly 300! And thou shalt taketh two of every creature!

MCCLURE
(writing it down) Two creatures.

GOD
Two of EVERY creature!

MCCLURE
Even stink beetles?

GOD
ESPECIALLY stink beetles!

At the Simpson home, Homer calls everyone together.

HOMER
Mail call! Gather 'round, everyone! All right, one for... resident.

MARGE
That's me!

HOMER
Well, that's it.

BART
One stinkin' letter? Why'd you make us gather 'round like that?

HOMER
I needed my power fix. (sighs with pleasure)

The Simpsons family are in the kitchen, gathered for breakfast.

BART
Mmm, good pancakes, Mom!

MARGE
Oh, thank you, honey! They come in a squeeze bottle now.

Marge squeezes the bottle, and it makes a flatulent noise.

MARGE
Woo! Oh, I'd better put the silencer on.

The Simpsons eat dinner in the kitchen. Marge calls everyone's attention.

MARGE
Alright family! Who can guess what's different about dinner tonight?

HOMER
(looks at food) Eh, same old garbage! (The rest of the family laugh.)

BART
This guy's always on!

MARGE
Oh, you two! We're eating genetically modified vegetables. Look how big they are!

HOMER
(picking up corn) This corn doesn't look so big.

MARGE
That's baby corn.

HOMER
(shocked) Wha-aat!?