Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish script

ACT ONE

Bart and Lisa are fishing. A car pulls up and a man gets out.

SHUTTON
Ah, so kids, caught anything?

LISA
Not yet, sir.

SHUTTON
Uh-huh. What are you using for bait?

LISA
My brother's using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.

SHUTTON
I see. And, uh, what's your name, son?

BART
I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?

SHUTTON
(chuckles) I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders.

BART
Well, this is my day, and we do, sir. (he catches something on the line.) All right! We eat tonight!

He reels the fish in, but there is something peculiar about it - it has three eyes.

SHUTTON
Wait a minute... one... two... three?

He looks into the distance and sees the power plant pumping out waste into the lake. We see several newspaper headlines: "Mutation Caught At Ol' Fishin' Hole / Is Power Plant Responsible?" and "Fishin' Hole Or Fission Hole? / Burns Denies Responsibility In Fish Flap." Marge reads the newspaper at breakfast.

MARGE
Well, leave it to good old Mary Bailey to finally step in and do something about that hideous genetic mutation.

HOMER
Mary Bailey. Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find better things to do with my time.

MARGE
Like what?

HOMER
Like getting Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday back as separate paid holidays. "President's Day," pfft, what a rip-off! I bust my butt day in and day out--

MARGE
You're late for work, Homer.

HOMER
So? Someone'll punch in for me.

LISA
Try not to spill anything, Dad.

BART
Keep those mutants comin', Homer!

HOMER
I'll mutant you...

Homer arrives at work and proceeds to the lunch room.

HOMER
Oh man, plain cake donuts. (calling) Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys! (quietly to himself) Why can't I ever get here on time?

An announcement comes over the PA.

BURNS
Hi-ho, faceless employees. In a few moments the government inspection team will be touring the plant. (cut to outside) So look busy and keep your mouth shut. That is all.

SMITHERS
Very stirring, sir. (looks into binoculars) Uh oh, here they come, sir.

BURNS
Hold me, Smithers.

INSPECTOR
Okay, men. Geiger counters on.

The Geiger counters go crazy.

BURNS
Ah, I suppose that's normal background radiation? The kind you'd find at any well-maintained nuclear facility, or for that matter, playgrounds and hospitals.

INSPECTOR
Sorry.

They begin the inspection. The inspector notes down details.

INSPECTOR
Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.

BURNS
D'oh. I'm as shocked as you are.

INSPECTOR
Plutonium rod used as paperweight.

BURNS
D'oh. Now that shouldn't be.

A drop of glowing green goo burns a hole through the inspector's clipboard.

BURNS
Yeah, well, that's always been like that.

They visit Homer's workstation. Homer is sleeping, and wakes with a start.

HOMER
Aah! (starts pulling levers wildly) Uh, just resting my eyes!

BURNS
Ah, well done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee.

INSPECTOR
(sighs) Monitoring station unmanned.

The inspectors stand in knee-deep glowing green water.

BURNS
Look here, inspector, could I speak to you privately, in my office?

The chief inspector is taken to Burns' office.

INSPECTOR
Mr. Burns, in twenty years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable--

BURNS
Oh, look! Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars just lying here on my coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we
return, the pile of money will be gone. (leaves then returns a few moments later) D'oh, look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here.

INSPECTOR
Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to bribe me.

BURNS
Is there some confusion about this? (stuff money into his pockets) Take it! Take it! Take it, you poor schmo!

INSPECTOR
Mr. Burns! I'm gonna overlook this felony, however, I will not overlook the three hundred and forty two violations I observed at your plant today. Either bring this place up to code or we'll shut it down. Good day. (leaves)

BURNS
Oh well, a little dab of paint here, a little spackle there... how much could it possibly cost to fix this place up?

SMITHERS
(typing on a calculator) Approximately fifty-six million dollars, sir.

BURNS
Fifty-six million!?

SMITHERS
(cowering) Don't hit me, sir.

BURNS
Oh, that I have the strength to take it out on you, Smithers. Now, please go, I... want to be alone.

Burns hits the bottle. Time passes from 5:00 to 9:30, and Burns is drunk. He starts singing "Brother, Can You Spare a Dime".

BURNS
Once I built a railroad, made it run,
Made it race against time,
Once I built a railroad, now it's done,
Brother, can you spare a dime?

He stumbles down the long empty corridors, singing.

Half a million boots went sloggin' through hell
And I was the kid with the drum!
(his bottle is empty) Empty. Bah!

He throws the bottle away, and it wakes Homer, who is still asleep at his workstation.

Aah! Just resting my eyes! (realizes no one's there) Oh, heh. (looks at his watch) Holy moly! Nine thirty! (picks up phone and dials) Hello Marge. Sorry I didn't call but it's been a madhouse down here. Yep, these twelve hour days are killing me. (He walks down a long empty corridor.) Echo! (it echoes)

Outside in the car park, Burns is still singing, and getting into his car.

BURNS
They called me Al!
It was Al all the time,
Say, don't you remember?
I'm your pal.
Buddy, can you spare a dime?

Homer walks up the window.

HOMER
Huh? What the-- (taps on window) Uh, Mr. Burns?

BURNS
Aah!

HOMER
Aah! Sorry, sir, it's just me, Homer Simpson. Everything alright?

BURNS
Working late, Simpson?

HOMER
Uh, yes sir.

BURNS
You and I are a dying breed, Simpson. I'm going to share something with you. (opens door) Hop in.

HOMER
Ooh, cushy!

BURNS
Homer, they're trying to shut us down. They say we're poisoning the planet!

HOMER
Well, nobody's perfect.

BURNS
Can't the government just get off our backs?

HOMER
Y'know, I was just telling the wife that if I was governor, I'd do things a lot differently--

BURNS
Oh, get off your soap box, Simpson, do you realize how much t costs to run for office? more than any honest man could afford.

HOMER
I bet you could afford it, though. (nervously) Don't get me wrong, I mean you're an honest man, I just mean that you could afford to run for governor if you felt like it. Of course I'm just rambling cause... because you keep staring at me like that, but, but it's true! I mean, if you were governor you could decide what's safe and what isn't...

Burns starts the car and drives off.

HOMER
Where are we going, sir?

BURNS
To create a new and better world.

HOMER
If it's on the way, could you drop me off at my house?

ACT TWO

Homer reads the newspaper, with the headline "Burns Enters Gubernatorial Race".

HOMER
Well, he's got my vote!

MARGE
Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.

HOMER
Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her. I'm for Monty Burns!

LISA
Ooh, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!

MARGE
Well, frankly, I don't see how one of the most despicable men who ever lived has a chance against Mary Bailey, the most beloved governor our great state has ever known.

Mr. Burns calls a meeting.

ADVISER
Now, here's the problem as I see it. While Governor Bailey is beloved by all, ninety-eight percent of the voters rate you as despicable or worse. That's why we've assembled the finest campaign team money can buy. (indicating his team) This is your speech writer, your joke writer, your spin doctor, make-up man and personal trainer. Their job, to turn this Mr. Burns... (shows a normal portrait of Burns) into this... (shows a picture of Burns in a heroic position).

BURNS
Why are my teeth showing like that?

ADVISOR
Because you're smiling!

BURNS
Ah, excellent! This is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for. B-but how do we turn your average Joe Six-pack against Mary Bailey?

ADVISOR
With this team of investigators... (indicating) your much-raker, your character assassin, your mud slinger, your garbologist.

BURNS
Hello.

ADVISOR
Their job is to turn Mary Bailey from this... (picture of Bailey) into this (picture of crowd booing her)

BURNS
Ah, visual aids help so much. Thank you.

ADVISOR
But first, there's a burning issue that we need to address and neutralize immediately.

He shows Burns a picture of the three-eyed fish.

BURNS
Ugh, I hate that fish!

Grampa Simpson and the pensioners watch TV.

TV ANNOUNCER
Thank you for watching "Movie For A Dreary Afternoon". Please stay tuned for a paid political announcement brought to you by the friends of Montgomery Burns

GRAMPA
Burns? Change the channel!

JASPER
You change it.

GRAMPA
No, you change it!

JASPER
I changed it last week!

GRAMPA
Fine, be a jerk. Then we'll just sit here and watch it.

At Moe's Tavern.

BARNEY
Oh no, an election? That's one of those deals where they close the bars, isn't it?

MOE
Sorry, Barney.

At the Simpsons home.

MARGE
I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish.

HOMER
Oh, Marge. What's the big deal? I bet before the papers blew this all out of proportion you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.

Marge groans. The advisors prepare Burns for his campaign advertisement.

SMITHERS
Thirty seconds to air, Mr. Burns.

ADVISOR
Now remember to smile.

BURNS
I am smiling.

ADVISOR
You'll have to do better than that.

BURNS
(grunts) How's this?

ADVISOR
There you go!

BURNS
Oh, I'm going to be sore tomorrow!

ADVISOR
Well, we've done all we can. the rest is up to you.

BURNS
Oh, don't worry. By the time this paid political announcement is done, every Johnny Lunchpail in this whole stupid state will be eating out of my hands. (realizes the camera is on) Oh, hello, friends. I'm Montgomery Burns, your next governor, and I'm here to talk to you about my little friend here, Blinky. (picks up fishbowl with Blinky in) Many of you consider it to be a hideous genetic mutation. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. But don't take my word for it. Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what he thinks. (actor enters)

DARWIN
Hello, Mr. Burns.

BURNS
Oh, hello, Charles. Be a good fellow and tell our viewers about your theory of natural selection.

DARWIN
Glad to, Mr. Burns. You see, every so often, Mother Nature changes our animals, giving them bigger teeth, sharper claws, longer legs or, in this case, a third eye. And if the variations turn out to be an improvement, the new animals thrive and multiply, and spread across the face of the earth.

BURNS
So you're saying this fish might actually have an advantage over other fish? It might actually be a kind of "Super Fish".

DARWIN
I wouldn't mind having a third eye, would you?

BURNS
(chuckling) No. you see friends, if our anti-nuclear nay-sayers and choose-upsiders were to come upon and elephant frolicking in the waters next to our nuclear power plant, they'd probably blame his ridiculous nose on the nuclear boogeyman. The truth is, this fish is a miracle of nature, with a taste that can't be beat. Mmm-mm! So, to summarize, say what you want about me. I can take the slings and arrows, but stop slandering poor, defenseless, Blinky. Good night, and God bless.

The political announcement finishes with Burns' campaign jingle:

JINGLE
Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote for Monty Burns!

The bar flies are impressed.

BARNEY
Wow! Super-Fish!

MOE
I wish the government would get off his back.

At the retirement home.

GRAMPA
That Burns is just what this state needs: Young blood!

Back at the Simpsons home.

HOMER
I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey.

MARGE
Homer, I'm a Bailey Booster.

HOMER
Oh yeah? Well I'm a Burns Booster! (pins button on) Ow!

ADVISOR
Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the latest polls show you are up six points.

BURNS
Ah, giving me a total of?

ADVISOR
Six. But we're on our way.

Mary Bailey gives her own press conference.

BAILEY
My worthy opponent seems to think that the voters of this state are gullible fools. I, however, prefer to rely on their intelligence and good judgment.

REPORTER
Interesting strategy. Good luck.

BURNS
And I say taxes are too high!

Burns holds a meeting with his advisors.

BURNS
Have you, uh, found any dirt on Mary Bailey?

ADVISOR 2
Well, we've gone through her garbage

ADVISOR 3
We've talked to her maid.

ADVISOR 2
And so far, the only negative thing we've found is from some guy who dated her when she was sixteen.

BURNS
Ah. And?

ADVISOR 3
He, uh, he felt her up.

BURNS
Bah! Not good enough!

Burns gives another fiery speech.

BURNS
We're gonna send a message to those bureaucrats down there in the state capital!

Homer & Bart watch on TV.

BART
Is your boss governor yet?

HOMER
Not yet, son.

ADVISOR
The voters now see you as imperial and god-like.

BURNS
Hot dog!

ADVISOR
But there's a down-side to it. The latest polls indicate you're in danger of losing touch with the common man.

BURNS
Oh, dear! Heaven forfend!

ADVISOR
Which is why, the night before the election we want you to have dinner at the home of one of your workers.

BURNS
Oh, I get your angle. Every Joe Meatball and Sally Housecoat in this godforsaken state will see me hunkering down for chow with Eddie Punch-clock. The media will have a field day.

ADVISOR
The only question is: can we find someone common enough?

They look on the security monitors and see Homer eating, scratching himself, and belching.

BURNS
Ugh. (his advisor nods) Well, I knew there would be sacrifices.

ACT THREE

The Simpsons eat breakfast.

HOMER
Oh, great toast, Marge! Oh, by the way, the night before the election, Mr. Burns is coming over for dinner.

MARGE
What!?

HOMER
Oh, and some reporters and a camera crew, but you don't have to feed them.

BART
Cool, man! A media circus!

MARGE
Absolutely not!

HOMER
Come on, Marge!

MARGE
Mm-mm. I'm going to be ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night.

HOMER
D'oh! Kids, pleases leave the room. I don't want you to see this.

BART
Uh-oh.

The kids zip away. Homer gets on his knees and begs.

HOMER
Please please please please please please please please please please please please...

MARGE
Mmm...

The campaign crew plaster the Simpsons house with Burns posters and the advisors prepare the family for the dinner.

ADVISOR
We're hoping that one of the children might pop up with a question about the upcoming election. Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime tomorrow?

LISA
(reading) Mr. Burns: your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?

ADVISOR
Very good.

LISA
Mmm... well, as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may one day render it uninhabitable?

ADVISOR
No, dear. The card question'll be fine.

MARGE
Well, I think the non-card question is a valid--

HOMER
Marge! (to advisor) Don't worry. My daughter's very bright, and I'm sure she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow.

ADVISOR
And finally, Mr. Burns wants you to appear very affectionate towards him. But we must remind you, he hates being touched.

That evening in bed, Homer tries to snuggle with Marge, but she keeps moving over until she falls out of bed.

HOMER
Marge, get back in bed.

MARGE
No, I'm just fine right here.

HOMER
What's wrong? I just want to snuggle.

MARGE
I don't feel like snuggling.

HOMER
What's that got to do with it?

MARGE
I don't want to snuggle with anybody who's not letting me express myself.

HOMER
But you do get to express yourself! In the lovely home you keep, and the food you serve.

MARGE
Hmm... okay Homer. Fair enough. (getting back into bed) You've got it, alright, good. That's it, that's how I'm gonna express myself. That's right. Good night.

HOMER
Huh?

It's time for the dinner. The family, along with the pets are in make-up. A make-up man gives Homer new eyebrows.

MAKE-UP MAN
Well, what do you think?

HOMER
Hey, hello handsome!

ADVISOR
Hey! Get that stuff off his face! We're here to have dinner with the common man, not Tyrone Power.

ADVISOR 2
Latest polls are in. It's dead even, fifty-fifty.

ADVISOR
This cornball stunt is gonna put us over the top.

BART
Whoa! He's here!

Burns arrives. He rings the doorbell, and the family all come to the door.

BURNS
Hello, Homer. Marge! you look dazzling! Oh and look, I brought noodle coogle.

Suddenly, Santa's Little Helper jumps up and knocks Mr. Burns over.

HOMER
Bad dog! Bad... neighbor dog. Here, let me help you up, Mr. Burns.

BURNS
(chuckling) I love dogs. Babies too.

Snowball II then dives at Burns and knocks him flying again.

BURNS
Kitty, kitty (kisses it)

HOMER
Uh, are you alright, Mr. Burns?

BURNS
Oh of course. A little roughhousing with the pets is good for a man's appetite.

They go inside and sit down at the table. Burns' advisor whispers to him.

ADVISOR
The latest polls are in. The statesman-like way you handled the pet incident has put you over the top. you're ahead fifty one to forty nine. Congratulations, Mr. Governor!

BURNS
Excellent...

HOMER
Bart, would you like to say grace?

BART
Dear God: we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.

Everyone gasps.

BURNS
(chuckling) Only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy. God bless them all. Amen.

ADVISOR
He's smokin', he's smokin'.

HOMER
(with his mouth full, reading card) Um, you know, Mr. Burns, my family and I, um (Bart belches) feel that taxes are too high. Where do you stand on this highly controversial issue?

BURNS
Goodness! I didn't realize this casual dinner was going to turn into a charged political debate.

HOMER
I was only reading what the card--

BURNS
Homer, I agree with you and if I'm elected governor, I will lower taxes whether those bureaucrats in the state capital like it or not! Ahem, Lisa do you have a question you would like to ask your uncle Montgomery?

LISA
Yes, sir, a very inane one. Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?

BURNS
Ooh, a tough question but a fair one. Lisa, there's no single answer. Some voters respond to my integrity, others are more impressed with my incorruptibility. (Lisa leaves the table) Still others buy my determination to lower taxes. And the bureaucrats in the state capital can put that in their pipes and smoke it!

Lisa is in the kitchen.

LISA
Oh Mom, that felt awful.

MARGE
Mmm... I'm sorry dear. It will all be over soon.

LISA
But Mom, we've become the tools of evil.

MARGE
Lisa, you're learning many lessons tonight, and one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.

They go back into the dining room with the main course, where Burns is still ranting.

BURNS
...give a decent break, or a fair shake, or even a square deal. Mmm, smells delightful.

Marge lifts up the cover off the plate. The main course is three-eyed fish. Everyone gasps.

BART
Alright, three-eyed fish!

MARGE
Can I have your plate, Mr. Burns?

Burns shudders and gives her his plate. He takes one bite of the fish and spits it out. As it flies through the air, the reporters flash their cameras and leave before it hits the ground.

REPORTER
He's blown it for sure.

ADVISOR
Ruined before it hit the ground.

Outside.

SHUTTON
(on phone) Get me the city desk.

REPORTER
(on phone) Here's you're headline, Phil: "Burns Can't Swallow Own Story".

The family, Burns and his advisors watch the news report.

SCOTT CHRISTIAN
The latest polls indicate Burns' popularity has plummeted to Earth like so much half-chewed fish.

BURNS
You must have a few tricks up your sleeve. Smithers, boil some coffee, we're not licked yet.

ADVISOR
Yes we are. Come on boys, the old guy's finished. (they leave)

BURNS
Wait, come back! You can't do this to me! I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS!

He starts wrecking the Simpsons home. He tries to turn a table over, but can't.

BURNS
Smithers, turn over this table for me.

SMITHERS
Yes, sir. (does so)

MARGE
Homer, make him stop!

HOMER
Uh, Mr. Burns? Mr. Burns?

BURNS
Shut up and wreck something!

Homer does so. Lisa intervenes.

LISA
Mr. Burns? I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions is going to accomplish.

BURNS
She's right. Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful. (walks outside) Ironic, isn't it, Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

SMITHERS
You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

BURNS
(to Homer, in the doorway) Simpson, I shall make it the focus of my remaining years that your dreams will go unfulfilled.

BART
Uh-oh, you're busted, Dad!

Later that night, Homer sits in bed, worrying.

HOMER
Oh. My dreams will go unfulfilled? Oh, no! I don't like the sound of that one bit. That means I have nothing to hope for. Marge, make it better please, can't you make it better, huh?

MARGE
Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on dessert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in til noon on weekends, no one man can destroy them.

HOMER
Hey, you did it!

They kiss, Marge turns the light off, and the credits roll.