Simpsons Movie script

20th Century Fox ident. From halfway through, Ralph Wiggum sings along with the tune.

RALPH
Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-daaa!

The logo fades to black-and-white and scrolls off-screen. The Moon comes into shot. A spacecraft flies over the surface and lands on the Moon, to the music from "2001: A Space Odyssey". Scratchy climbs down the side of the craft, making his way onto the Moon's surface. He takes big strides across to an American flag, next to which Itchy is standing.

SCRATCHY
We come in peace, for cats and mice everywhere.

Itchy removes the flagpole from the surface and stabs Scratchy in the chest several times; Scratchy screams each time. Itchy hits him over the head several times, breaking his space helmet and causing his head to expand and pop. Itchy points and laughs at him, then goes back to the ship and flies back to Earth.

A newspaper, The Washington Post, spins into view. It reads, "MOUSE HERO RETURNS" with the subtitle, "Did Everything To Save Cat". A second headline reads, "A WIDOW MOURNS".

A parade fills the street with blue mice not unlike Itchy, who rides in a car. "Itchy for President" and "Itchy/Hillary '08" banners can be seen.

ITCHY
Hey, how you doin'? Good to see ya. Thanks for coming out.

It seems Itchy does become President. One night he is eating cheese n the White House and hears Scratchy's voice.

SCRATCHY
(echoing) Itchy... Itchy...

Itchy looks up at the Moon with binoculars. Scratchy is still there, lying on the ground; he holds up a placard, reading "I'm Telling". After much deliberation, Itchy decides what to do - launch missiles at the moon. He opens up a secret government machine and sets it to "Accidental Launch".

Hundreds of rockets are fired towards the Moon. As they close in on him, Scratchy screams with his mouth wide open. All the rockets enter his mouth and swell him up. One final rocket flies in close, stops, then opens a compartment in the front. A boot comes out and kicks Scratchy, causing him to explode into pieces.

Homer's head appears in front of the screen.

HOMER
Boring!

LISA
Dad! We can't see the movie.

We see that the family are in a movie theatre, along with many other Springfield citizens.

HOMER
I can't believe we're paying to see something we get on TV for free. (gesturing) If you ask me everyone in this theatre is a giant sucker. (points at camera) Especially you!

Homer's image fades as the traditional Simpsons opening begins...

CHORUS
The Simpsons...

Professor Frink flies a contraption across the screen from right to left, dragging a large banner saying "MOVIE".

FRINK
(singing) Movie! On the big screen...

The camera flies through the 'O' of 'MOVIE' and we take a trip through Springfield. We pass various scenery before entering Mr. Burns' mansion. Smithers applies toothpaste to Burns' toothbrush, causing him to fall over from the weight.

Past Moe's and down the street is the Kwik-E-Mart, where Apu is changing the expiry date on a carton of milk.

Outside Springfield Elementary School, Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph hoist Martin up the flagpole by his underpants. They salute as Martin screams. Inside his classroom, Bart writes "I WILL NOT ILLEGALLY DOWNLOAD THIS MOVIE." on the blackboard.

We fade into a crowd scene at Springfield Lake at night. Green Day are playing as part of the "Duff Summer Concert Series". Mrs. Krabappel is on Principal Skinner's shoulders; she opens her sweater to reveal a T-Shirt with a downward arrow and the words "Not My Boyfriend". Comic Book Guy is trying to crowd surf, much to the crowd's displeasure.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Excuse me, my hinie is dipping!

They crowd drops him. Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day sings "da-da-da" to the final part of the Simpsons tune, following his teleprompter.

BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
Alright, well thanks a lot for coming. We've been playing for three and a half hours, now we'd like just a minute of your time to say something about the environment.

There is a deathly silence, followed by huge boos from the Springfieldians. They start throwing things at Green Day.

BARNEY
Preachy!

BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
We're not being preachy!

FRANK EDWIN WRIGHT III
But the pollution in your lake - it's dissolving our barge!

Moe is sat in a deck chair. Lisa is stood next to him.

LISA
I thought they touched on a vital issue.

MOE
I beg to differ.

He throws a rock at the stage, which penetrates the bass drum and hits Frank in the crotch.

FRANK EDWIN WRIGHT III
Oh!

MICHAEL PRITCHARD
Gentlemen, it's been an honour playing with you tonight.

Green Day put down their instruments and bring out violins as the barge sinks. Lisa looks on woefully.

EXT. First Church of Springfield, daytime. A billboard outside reads "THOU SHALT TURN OFF THY CELL PHONE". Inside, Mrs. Glick plays "American Idiot: Funeral Version" on the organ.

LOVEJOY
For the latest rock band to die in our town. Lord, hear our prayer.

CONGREGATION
Lord, hear our prayer.

Car tyres screech to a halt outside. We see the Simpsons' silhouettes as the family make their way to the church door. Their conversation can also be heard.

MARGE
I hate being late!

HOMER
Well I hate going. Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way, by praying like hell on my death bed.

MARGE
Homer, they can hear you inside!

HOMER
Relax! Those pious morons are too busy talking to their phoney-baloney God!

The family enter the church to total silence and angry looks. They make their way to their pew.

HOMER
How ya doin'? Peace be with you. Praise Jebus.

The family sit down next to Grampa who is already there, sleeping. Bart brings out a Gameboy-like device and plays a game called 'Baby Blast'. Maggie notices and angrily pulls the game cartridge from the Gameboy.

LOVEJOY
Now today I'd like to try something a little different. I'm gonna call on one of you!

He points at the congregation, who gasp in shock, then cower.

LOVEJOY
Now the word of God dwells within everyone, I want you to let that word out! Let your spirit--

NED
(raising arm) Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

LOVEJOY
(sighs) What is it, Ned?

NED
The good Lord is telling me to confess to something.

HOMER
(quietly, with fingers crossed) Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay...

NED
An immodest sense of pride in our community.

LOVEJOY
Somebody else. Let the Lord's light shine upon you!

Cut to Grampa, still asleep. Light shines through the window behind him. Grampa leans forward but the beam of light follows him. His eyes open and he slowly stands.

LOVEJOY
Feel the spirit. Let it out!

Grampa suddenly springs to life, possessed.

GRAMPA
Horrible! Horrible things are going to happen! (he starts pointing) And they're going to happen to you, and you, and you... (points at Marge) and you! Oh nelly!

He falls to the floor, writhing. Comic Book Guy calmly starts recording him with a camera phone.

GRAMPA
People of Springfield! Heed this warning. Twisted tail! A thousand eyes! Trapped forever!!

He 'walks' in a circle on the floor, making noises.

LISA
Dad, do something!

Homer picks up a Bible and quickly flicks through it.

HOMER
This book doesn't have any answers!

GRAMPA
Beware! Beware! Time is short. Eeepa! Eeepa! Eeeeeeepaaaaa! (falls to floor again) Believe me! Believe me!

Homer rolls his father up in the aisle rug and drags him out of the church, still moaning.

GRAMPA
Thanks for listening!

EXT. The drive home. In the car, Marge gives Grampa (still wrapped in the rug) a puzzled look.

HOMER
Okay! Who want waffles?

BART, LISA, GRAMPA
I do I do I do!

MARGE
Wait a minute, what about Grampa?

BART
I want syrup!

LISA
I want strawberry!

MARGE
Something happened to that man.

HOMER
I'll tell ya what happened: A certain someone had a senior moment. But that's okay, because we love him, and we got a free rug out of it. (kisses Grampa on the forehead)

MARGE
What is the point of going to church every Sunday, when if someone we love has a genuine religious experience, we ignore it? Right Grampa?

There is a short silence.

GRAMPA
I want bananas on my waffles!

HOMER
I rest my case.

The family pull up at the waffle place.

MARGE
I'm not dropping this.

She gets out the car and heads inside. The rest of the family follow, leaving Grampa behind.

GRAMPA
Wait a minute! I'm still in the car!

HOMER
(returning) Oh. Right.

He opens the car door, winds the window down a bit, then leaves his father.

EXT. The Simpsons home. Homer starts his chores. #1, 'Go to church' is crossed off.

HOMER
(reading) Take out hornet's nest.

The nest is hanging from a tree. Homer pokes it with a broom handle; it falls and he catches it. He places it in Flanders' mail box, and gives it a shake.

HOMER
Check. (reads) Fix sink hole.

There is a hole in the middle of the lawn, which appears to be submerging. Homer pulls the sandbox over it, but the sand starts to sink, too. He places Maggie in the hole; she plugs it nicely.

HOMER
Check. (reads) Reshingle roof?

Homer and Bart are on the roof. Homer is about to hammer a nail in. His thumb covers the nail head.

HOMER
Steady... steady...

Homer suddenly stabs himself in the eye with the back of the hammer.

HOMER
Owww! Owww!

Bart laughs hysterically. Homer pulls the hammer out of his eye.

HOMER
Why you little...! (strangles Bart) I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!

Bart struggles free.

BART
You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.

HOMER
What kind of fun?

BART
How about a dare contest?

HOMER
That sounds fun. I dare you to... climb the T.V. antennae.

Bart does so.

BART
Piece of cake.

Homer starts shaking the antennae.

HOMER
Earthquake! Earthquake!

They both laugh. Bart is thrown off the antennae and bounces down the roof, grabbing the gutter as he falls. Homer starts shaking the gutter.

HOMER
Aftershock! Aftershock!

NED
(from his garden) Uh, Homer, I don't mean to be a nervis-pervis or anything, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-a-rino?

HOMER
(hammering the gutter) Shut up, Flanders!

BART
Yeah, shut up, Flanders!

HOMER
Well said, boy. (They high-five, then Homer readies another nail for the gutter) Steady... steady... steady...

The roof suddenly breaks and Homer falls through, and Bart laughs. Inside we can see Grampa reading 'Oatmeal Enthusiast'.

EXT. Springfield street. Lisa is in the distance, going door-to-door.

LISA
(door is answered) Hello. Sorry to bother you on a Sunday, but I'm sure you're as worried about the pollution is Lake Springfield as I am--

The door is slammed in her face. She moves on to the next house.

LISA
Lake Springfield has higher levels of mercury than ev--

The door is slammed in her face again. She moves on to the next house, where an old lady answers.

OLD LADY
Why it's the little girl who saved my cat.

LISA
Lake Springfield--

Again, the door is shut on Lisa. She sighs. As she looks around the street, everyone in their houses closes curtains and slams doors. Captain McCallister shuts the door to his house-boat and drives it away down a conveniently-placed river. Lisa groans again. As she walks past another house, the door opens to Milhouse.

MILHOUSE
Come on over, Lisa. You can canvas me as long as you want.

LISA
Milhouse, you don't care about the environment.

MILHOUSE
Hey! I am very passionate about the planet!

Nelson Muntz appears behind Milhouse with his fist raised.

NELSON
Say global warming is a myth!

MILHOUSE
It's a myth! Further study is needed!

Nelson punches Milhouse in the chest.

NELSON
That's for selling out your beliefs.

Lisa goes to Milhouse to console him.

LISA
Oh, poor Milhouse.

MILHOUSE
(awakens in a daze) Dream coming true...

Lise hears an Irish voice. A young boy is canvassing door-to-door, just like Lisa was.

COLIN
Are you aware that a leaky faucet can waste over--

The door is slammed in his face. Lisa finishes his sentence.

LISA
Two thousand gallons a year!

COLIN
And turning off your lights could save--

LISA
--enough energy to power Pittburgh!

COLIN
And if we just kept our thermostats at sixty-eight in the winter--

LISA
--we'd be free from our dependency on foreign oil in seventeen years!

COLIN
I'm Colin.

LISA
I haven't seen you at school.

COLIN
Just moved here from Ireland. My Dad's a musician.

LISA
Is he--

COLIN
He's not Bono.

LISA
I just thought because you're Irish, and you care about--

COLIN
(angrily) He's not Bono!

LISA
Do you play?

COLIN
Just piano, guitar, trumpet, drums and bass.

LISA
(thinking) He's pure gold! For once in your life, be cool!

COLIN
So, is your name as pretty as your face?

Lisa lets out a loud laugh and faints.

COLIN
You okay there?

Lisa laughs and giggles.

INT. Simpsons kitchen. Marge watches Grampa's ramblings on Comic Book Guy's camera-phone.

GRAMPA
(in video) A twisted tail! A thousand eyes! Trapped forever! Eepa! Eepa!

MARGE
Eepa? What could that be?

COMIC BOOK GUY
I believe it's the sound the green lantern made when Sinestro threw him into a vat of acid. Eeepaa!

MARGE
(unconvined) Yeah... Thanks for coming over.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Thanks for giving me your pregnancy pants. Never known comfort like this.

EXT. Simpsons front lawn. Homer is carrying bricks on his back while Bart shoots at him with a pellet gun.

HOMER
(hit with pellets) D'oh! D'oh! Why did I (hit with more pellets) suggest this? (hit with more pellets)

Meanwhile, an advertising banner scrolls along the bottom of the screen. It reads: WATCH "ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A CELEBRITY?" - WEDNESDAYS ON FOX. THAT'S RIGHT, WE EVEN ADVERTISE SHOWS DURING MOVIES NOW.

A timer dings. Homer drops the bricks off his back.

HOMER
Alright boy, time for the ultimate dare. I dare YOU to skateboard to Krusty Burger - and back - naked!

BART
How naked?

HOMER
Fourth base.

BART
But girls might see my doodle.

HOMER
(taunting) Oh, I see. Then I hereby declare you 'chicken for life'. Every morning you'll wake up to "Good morning chicken!" At your wedding, I'll sing (he sings the wedding anthem in clucking noises; as Bart skateboard past him naked, he makes a surprised clucking sound).

We follow Bart's skateboarding journey through Springfield. He shocks the townspeople as he rides past them. He rides past Ralph Wiggum.

RALPH
I like men now!

Bart skateboards through the town square.

AGNES SKINNER
Don't look where I'm pointing!

She points at Bart, her hand following his movement and conveniently covering his shame. Bart rides past Jimbo offering Dolph a cigarette; Otto throwing a frisbee; a remote control car; a flying dove; a sprinkler; a girl blowing bubbles; and some dandelions - all of which obscure his private parts. Then Bart passes a hedge with the bottom cut out and we, ahem, get to see his doodle...

After this he passes a police car which promptly follows him, siren blaring. Wiggum, Lou and Eddie are in the car.

WIGGUM
Stop in the name of American squeamishness!

Lou fires a gun from the car, taking out the skateboard's back wheel. Bart loses control, hits a kerb and goes flying past Hans Moleman in his truck (who screams). In Krusty Burger, Ned and his kids are about to eat.

NED
Boys, before we eat, don't forget to thank the Lord for this bountiful-- (Bart hits the window, sticking to it.) --penis?!

ROD & TODD
Bountiful penis.

TODD
Amen.

EXT. Krusty Burger, some time later. Lou and Eddie prise Bart off the window.

LOU
Uh, listen kid, nobody likes wearing clothes in public, but you know, it's... it's the law.

Bart pops off the window and Lou handcuffs him to a lamp post.

WIGGUM
Lunch time!

The cops head inside.

BART
You can't leave me out here!

LOU
Don't worry, we found a friend for you to play with.

He brings Nelson over.

NELSON
Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! (fade to much later; Nelson is still going but is tired) Ha ha... Ha ha... Ha ha...

Nelson's mother appears.

MRS. MUNTZ
Nelson, honey, where have you been? (Nelson points at Bart) Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!

Homer pulls up in the car.

BART
Dad!

HOMER
What seems to be the problem, officers?

BART
Tell them you dared me to do it!

WIGGUM
If that's true, then you should be taking the rap here, not your son.

HOMER
(getting out the car) And what happens to me if it's my fault?

WIGGUM
You'll have to attend a one hour parenting class.

HOMER
It was all his idea! He's out of control I tell ya! Oh, I'm at my wit's end! (sobs)

Bart is unhandcuffed and the cops leave.

WIGGUM
See you in court, kid.

Homer stops sobbing.

HOMER
Okay son, let's get some lunch.

BART
Did you at least bring my clothes?

HOMER
Shirt, socks, everything you need.

BART
You didn't bring my pants!

HOMER
Who am I, Tommy Bahama?

BART
Oh, this is the worst day of my life.

HOMER
The worst day of your life so far.

They go into Krusty Burger. Bart walks past Ned.

NED
Say, Bart.

BART
What do you want, Flanders?

NED
If you need pants, I carry and extra pair. I mean, you know how boys are, always praying through the knees.

BART
Why are you helping me? I'm not your kid.

NED
We're neighbours. I'm sure your father would do the same for my boys.

Homer steals the Flanders' kids' fries and takes Bart.

HOMER
Thank you.

Homer and Bart are at a table. We see an interior shot of Homer's mouth as he eats. Bart is angry.

HOMER
Hey, what's with you?

BART
(melancholy) You really wanna know?

HOMER
Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about (sees something) a pig wearing a hat!

Krusty the Clown is filming a commercial.

DIRECTOR
Action!

KRUSTY
Hey hey! It's your old pal Krusty for my new pork sandwich, the clogger! If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico! (he laughs then takes a bite of the sandwich) Mmm!

DIRECTOR
And... we're clear.

Krusty spits out the sandwich.

KRUSTY
Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.

A saw is held up to the pig. It squeals in terror.

HOMER
(gasps) What? You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!

The pig runs across to Homer, giving him a forlorn look. To the tune of 'Happy Together', Homer briefly imagines himself and the pig dancing in a field. He picks up the pig.

HOMER
You're coming home with me.

INT. Simpson kitchen. Maggie is playing the Baby Blast game she took from Bart earlier. Marge rearranges magnetic words on the fridge, from Grampa's outburst in church.

MARGE
A thousand eyes. What could that be?

GRAMPA
Hmm... I'm pretty sure a thousand... is a number.

Homer pokes his head round the door.

HOMER
Hey Marge! Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?

MARGE
Actually, it's aged me horribly.

HOMER
Then say hello to the newest Simpson!

He brings the pig in. Marge looks at it's curly tail and gasps. The camera zooms in on the "twisted tail" magnets on the fridge.

MARGE
Homer! (Homer and the pig are sharing an orange potato chip) I believe what happened in church was a warning about precisely this! Please get rid of that pig!

HOMER
Oh, you're gonna love him! Look, he does and impression of you. (Homer pulls its tail and it squeals; Homer laughs) You nailed her. (Marge still looks worried) He also does me... (Homer squeezes him and he burps; Marge giggles) You smiled, I'm off the hook!

INT. Bart's bedroom, evening. Homer brushes the pig's hair into several different styles.

HOMER
Oh, you have so many looks.

He picks the pig up and walks out. Bart is in the tree outside the room. As he watches Homer leave, he sighs. A light is switched on in the Flanders' house. Ned tucks Rod and Todd into bed, kissing them on the forehead and vacuuming their sheets.

BART
(to himself) So that's what snug is.

HOMER
(in the bedroom again) Who's a good pig? (belly-kisses the pig) Who's a good pig? (belly-kisses the pig)

Bart prepares to use his slingshot on Homer.

NED
(from window) Rough day, huh son?

BART
You don't know what rough is, sister.

NED
(chuckles) Bart, you know, whenever my boys bake up a batch of "frownies", I take them fishing. Does your Dad every take you fishing?

Bart has a flashback of himself fishing with Homer. Homer plugs a bug-zapper into a battery.

BART
Dad, it's not fair to use a bug-zapper to catch the fish.

HOMER
If you love fish like I do, you want them to die with dignity.

He drops the bug-zapper in the water. It electrifies the whole lake and hundreds of fish float to the top.

HOMER
I think I have a nibble!

He reaches for a fish and is electrocuted. He manages to pull one out and is electrocuted again upon biting it. Back to the present.

BART
I think fishing might be more fun with you.

NED
Oh great! Now, how about I fix you some cocoa.

BART
No way, cocoa's for wusses.

NED
Well sir, if you change your mind, it's on the window sill.

Flanders sprays whipped cream on the top of a mug and places it on the sill. He adds a flake. Then grates some chocolate over it. Then sprays more whipped cream on the flake. Then sticks a marshmallow on the cream. Then takes a blow torch to the delicacy, browning the marshmallow. He leaves. Bart cautiously approaches, takes the cup and retreats to the other side of the garden. He takes a sip.

BART
Oh my God.

INT. Simpsons' hallway. Marge scrubs the pig tracks on the floor. Lisa is sitting on the stairs.

LISA
Oh wait, I didn't tell you the best part: he loves the environment. Ooh wait, I still didn't tell you the best part: he's got an Irish brogue! No no, wait wait, I still didn't tell you the best part: he's not imaginary!

MARGE
Aw honey, that's great! But the very best thing is that he listens to you. Because nothing means more than for a man to-- (looks up) how did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?

Homer is holding the pig upside down and running him back and forth along the ceiling. He sings to the tune of the Spider-Man theme.

HOMER
Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig,
Does whatever a Spider-Pig does,
Can he swing, from a web?
No he can't, he's a pig,
Look out! He is a Spider-Pig.

Marge looks on, blankly.

EXT. Springfield Lake. Bart and Ned are fishing.

BART
Are we having fun yet?

NED
We are now: you've got a bite!

BART
(trying to reel it in) Whoa, mama!

The fishing rod is pulled away from him; it falls into the lake.

NED
Oh no, my good pole!

Bart acts as if he's being strangled, then realizes he's not.

BART
Huh? You're not strangling me.

NED
What the-- Strangling's only good for... well, it's not good for anything. I think the only time you should lay hand on a boy is if you're giving him a good old pat on the back. (He reaches for Bart)

BART
Hey, what the Hell are ya-- (Ned pats him on the back) Ah. One more time.

As they have an emotional moment, we see pollution building up in the river. The camera pans across Krusty emptying a tanker of "Flop Sweat" into the lake, Crazy Cat Lady scrubbing cats on a washboard, and Moe dumping a truck full of bottles (and Barney).

BARNEY
Honey, I'm home!

He sinks. Lisa looks on, disgusted. She breaks her clipboard in anger.

EXT. Springfield Town Hall. A banner reads: "Lisa Simpson Presents: An Irritating Truth". Inside, Lisa, Colin and Mayor Quimby are on stage. A line-graph labelled "Pollution in Lake Springfield" is displayed on a projector screen. Colin is playing soothing music.

LISA
We're at the tipping point, people. If we don't do something now... (distracted by Colin) I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought. Isn't he dreamy?

QUIMBY
Agreed. (bangs hammer)

LISA
Okay, so here's the bottom line. If we don't change our ways right now, pollution in Lake Springfield will be at this level.

Lisa, on a scissor lift, tries to guesture to the top of the graph, but the platform only raises a short way.

LENNY
That's not so bad.

LISA
No, the lift is stuck!

She pulls a lever to try and raise it; it jumps up and down several times before crashing though the ceiling. She pokes her head down.

LISA
Am I getting through to anyone?

KRUSTY
Hell yeah! We need a new one of those things! (points to lift)

QUIMBY
All in favour of a new scissor lift, say "aye".

EVERYONE
Aye!

LISA
No! (brings the lift back down) This lake is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare! But I knew you wouldn't listen. So I took the liberty of pouring water from the lake in all your drinking glasses.

Everyone has just taken a sip; they all spit out their green water simultaneously.

MOE
This is why we should hate kids.

QUIMBY
This is serious, people, No more dumping in the lake. I hereby declare a state of emergency. Code black!

Everyone gasps.

LENNY
Black? That's the worst color there is! No offense there, Carl.

CARL
I get it all the time.

A newspaper spins into view; it reads "Springfield Cleans Up Act", with the subheading "Pushy Kid Nags Town". We merge to a net fishing the paper out of the lake. Lenny and Carl plug a pipe from Springfield Nuclear Power Plant with a big cork. As they leave the lake, their overalls disintegrate. Many Springfieldians pick up litter from the lakeshore, while cranes drop concrete barriers along the edge. The mafia bring a body (wrapped up but with the feet sticking out) to dump; Chief Wiggum discourages them.

WIGGUM
Sorry, no dumping in the lake.

FAT TONY
Fine. I will put my "yard trimmings" in a car compacter. (They leave.)

LOU
Uh, Chief, I think there was a dead body in there.

WIGGUM
I thought that too, until he said "yard trimmings". Gotta learn to listen, Lou.

Quimby and some officials are by the new barrier.

QUIMBY
Let us now make sure this barrier is completely idiot-proof. (calls) Cletus!

CLETUS
Yes'm.

QUIMBY
Try to dump something in the lake.

CLETUS
Okay. (He produces a dead rat and heads towards the lake. He continually bumps into the barrier.) I can't. I simply can't.

The officials mutter acceptances.

OFFICIAL 1
Brilliant.

OFFICIAL 2
Very effective.

Simpson home. Homer and Spider-Pig are watching Bumblebee Man on television. He pays one peso for a kiss at a booth, but is kissed by a donkey.

BUMBLEBEE MAN
Ay ay ay! Un burro amoroso!

HOMER
(to Spider-Pig) Don't get any ideas. (nudging him) Heh?

They both laugh; Homer slides off the sofa onto the floor.

HOMER
Maybe we should kiss, just to break the tension.

MARGE
(entering) What's going on here?

HOMER
Nothing, nothing!

MARGE
I'm not sure that pig should be in the house. And by the way, what are you doing with his...leavings?

HOMER
Don't worry, I've devised a most elegant solution.

Outside, they look on at a large silo with a smiling pig face and "Pig Crap" handwritten on the side. It drips.

MARGE
Ugh, it's leaking!

HOMER
It's not leaking, it's overflowing.

MARGE
He filled up the whole silo in just two days?

HOMER
Well, I helped. (He heads back towards the house.)

MARGE
Homer, stop! I know it's easy for your mind to wander...

Inside Homer's head we see a monkey clapping cymbals.

MARGE
...but I want you to really conventrate on me.

The monkey puts the cymbals down and points to Marge.

MARGE
I can't escape the feeling this is the crisis Grampa warned us about. You have to dispose of that waste properly.

HOMER
(solemnly) Okay Marge, I will.

MARGE
You can take Spider-Pig with you!

HOMER
He's not Spider-Pig anymore, he's Harry Plopper.

Homer pulls up outside the Hazardous Waste Treatment Center with the silo tied to the car roof. There is a long queue of cars in front. A phone rings the "Nokia theme"; Homer searches for it, then realizes the pig has swallowed it; he squeezes Plopper, who spits out the phone.

HOMER
(answering) Yello.

LENNY
(outside Lardlad Donuts) Homer, you gotta get over here. The health inspector just shut down the donut store and they're giving out free donuts!

HOMER
Oh my god oh my god oh my god! I just got one thing I gotta do first.

LENNY
Well you'd better hurry, they're goin' fast!

Wiggum passes by, biting on several donuts that are hooked over his gun. The gun goes off, shooting his hat.

WIGGUM
Whoa, that was close!

He returns to eating donuts off the gun. Back at the Treatment Center, Homer is anxious; he drives off and ends up at Springfield Lake. The lake is fronted by hundreds of "No Dumping" signs; Homer drives straight through them all, including running down Hans Moleman with a "You Suck" sign. He cuts the ropes on his car, dumping the silo into the lake. As it sinks, green bubbles start to appear and soon the whole lake is green and bubbling.

HOMER
Uh-oh.

In front of Homer, a skull-and-crossbones image forms in the water.

EERIE VOICE
Evil!

Homer runs to the car and jumps in the back seat. Plopper is in front of him.

HOMER
Drive, drive drive! (Plopper oinks) Oh, right.

He gets in the front and drives off. At the lakeshore, a racoon chases a squirrel into the toxic water. The squirrel emerges as a multi-eyed mutant with sharp teeth and chases the racoon away.

Bart and Ned are hiking near the lake. They reach the top of a hill.

FLANDERS
Look at that. You can see the four states that border Springfield: Ohio, Nevada, Maine and Kentucky.

BART
Oh yeah!

FLANDERS
If you look real close, you can almost-- yaah!

He spots the mutant squirrel, which is perched nonchalantly on a rock.

FLANDERS
This certainly seems odd... but who am I to question the work of the almighty? Oh, we thank you Lord for this might fine intelligent design. Good job!

We now see through the multiple eyes of the mutant as Bart approaches it, then pokes its eyes with a stick.

BART
Jab! Jab! Jab-jab-jab!

A voice calls from off-screen.

MALE EPA OFFICIAL
Hey! Jab one more eye, and it's a federal crime.

A female officer places the mutant in a container.

FLANDERS
Who are you?

FEMALE EPA OFFICER
Environmental Protection Agency

The officers get into a van and drive off.

EXT. The White House. Inside, a man salutes an official and approaches reception, carrying the mutant.

CARGILL
Russ Cargill, head of the EPA. Here to see the President.

An security device scans his eyes, and then the many eyes of the mutant. He enters the Oval Office.

CARGILL
Mr. President.

The President is a McBain-esque Arnold Schwarzenegger.

SCHWARZENEGGER
Ya, that is me.

CARGILL
Pollution in Springfield has reached crisis levels.

SCHWARZENEGGER
Ugh, I hate this job. Everything's "crisi" this and "end of the world" that. Nobody opens with a joke. I miss Danny Devito.

CARGILL
You want a joke, huh? Stop me if you've heard this one. (lifts up the container with the mutant).

SCHWARZENEGGER
Aah! (looks closer) Look at those angry eyes, and giant teeth. It's like Christmas at the Kennedy compound.

CARGILL
You know sir, when you made me head of the EPA, you were applauded for appointing one of the most successful men in America to the least successful agency in government. And why did I take the job; 'cause I'm a rich man and wanted to give something back. Not the money, but something. So here is our chance to kick some ass for Mother Earth.

SCHWARZENEGGER
I'm listening.

CARGILL
Well, I've narrowed your choices down, the five unthinkable options. Each will cause untold misery--

SCHWARZENEGGER
I pick number three!

CARGILL
You don't even wanna read them first?

SCHWARZENEGGER
I was elected to lead, not to read. Number three!

EXT. Springfield. A shadow looms over the horizon. It passes over a bunch of people in a park, including Lenny, Carl, Gil and Arthur Crandall, Gabbo's puppeteer. Crandall's mouth gapes in horror; Gabbo's mouth falls off.

Milhouse uses his inhaler. As the shadow passes over, he swallows the it out of shock.

The shadow passes over Moe's Bar and Springfield Church (conveniently located next door to each other). Reverend Lovejoy and various church-goers rush outside, as do the barflies. Each group screams and runs into the opposite building - church-goers into Moe's and the barflies into the church.

We discover the shadow is an incredibly massive glass dome being carried over Springfield by helicopters, using suction cups on the end of rope. As it is lowered, it crushes the L in the giant SPRINGFIELD sign. At Springfield Elementary, the kids play outside. Martin Prince sits on a seesaw.

MARTIN
We're being sealed in a dome!

The edge of the dome lands on the opposite end of the seesaw and flies off to the other side of the playground, hitting the inside of the dome. A man stands on the road in panic.

MAN
What do I do, I don't know what to do! 'Cause if I stay I'm trapped, if I leave I'm alone! Oh god, in, out, in, out... I never saw Venice! I--

The man is crushed by the dome's edge. Cut to The Simpsons coming out of their house, mouths agape. The edge of the dome is right at the end of their garden; it crushed their fence. The helicopter release their grip on the dome. Marge spots "EPA" on the side of the helicopters.

MARGE
Epa! Epa! Trapped forever. It's all come true.

GRAMPA
That crazy old man in church was right!

Homer lets out a huge annoyed grunt...

HOMER
Dooooooooooooooome!

Springfieldians gather at the dome's edge. A van labelled "S.P.D. Hometown Security" approaches, and officers from Springfield Police Department emerge, with guns and protective gear.

WIGGUM
Alright men, open fire!

The officers shoot at the side of the dome but the bullets rebound and hit them.

WIGGUM
Who's hurt? Raise your hands. (they all groan) Without the attitude.

PROFESSOR FRINK
People, people! I have an important announcement. I have just perfected an acid-firing super-drill which can cut throough anything. (the crowd mutter excitedly) It's right there, just... outside of the dome...

Everyone groans. Sideshow Mel whacks the glass with his hair-bone.

SIDESHOW MEL
What ruthless mad men could have done this to us?

CARGILL
(off-screen) The United States Government! (he appears on a screen high up on the dome) My name's Russ Cargill, and I'm head of the EPA.

Everyone looks puzzled.

MOE
The what?

CARGILL
The Environmental Protection Agency.

LENNY
Come again?

CARGILL
Look, I' a man on a big TV, just listen. Springfield has become--

MAN
Whoo! Springfield!

CARGILL
--the most polluted city in the history of the planet.

KRUSTY
Drama Queen!

CARGILL

To prevent your poisons from spreading the goverment has sealed you all within this dome. Believe me, it's the last thing we wanted to do, I do own the company that makes the dome, but that's beside the point.

MOE
What are you telling us, that we're trapped like rats?!

CARGILL
No, rats can't be trapped this easily. You're trapped like... carrots!

LISA
Wait, wait! We couldn't be more polluted; everybody stopped dumping in the lake!

CARGILL
Apparently someone didn't get the message.

HOMER
(stepping away from Plopper) Act natural.

CARL
Hey, buddy, sooner or later, people are gonna come by and discover this!

CARGILL
Don't worry about that. We found a way to take you off the map.

A man drives past Springfield. His GPS system shows Springfield ahead.

GPS
Coming up on your right... (Springfield vanishes from the map) ...nothing.