Worst Episode Ever script

ACT ONE

The Simpsons family are in the kitchen, gathered for breakfast.

BART
Mmm, good pancakes, Mom!

MARGE
Oh, thank you, honey! They come in a squeeze bottle now.

Marge squeezes the bottle, and it makes a flatulent noise.

MARGE
Woo! Oh, I'd better put the silencer on.

She screws on the silencer, and the bottle now makes a 'zapping' noise.

LISA
You know what would be good with these, is some Ms. Butterworth.

She opens the fridge and takes out the bottle, but then notices something at the back. She pulls out an old box.

LISA
Eww! How long has this baking soda been in here?

MARGE
I don't know, it came with the house.

BART
Hey Dad, bet you five bucks you can't eat the whole box.

HOMER
Five? Why don't we make it fifty?

He slaps a fifty dollar bill on the table.

HOMER
Ho ho, you're going to regret this!

LISA
I'll call poison control. (She dials the phone.) Fran, it's me. Just a heads-up.

HOMER
Wow, the absorbed odors of a million meals. (He eats a spoonful of it.) So many flavors! All those tasty memories flooding back! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Homer has visions of several different foods, set to sound bites of American history. First we hear "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit" spoken by Johnny Cochran, with a hamburger and fries. Next is part of Nixon's resignation speech, "Therefore, I shall resign the presidency" with a pie. Finally, a meatball sandwich accompanies Neil Armstrong's moon landing, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." We cut back to the kitchen, where Homer's head rests on the table with foam coming out of his mouth and nostrils.

LISA
Uh-oh, Dad's having another antacid trip.

BART
And I won fifty bucks!

He takes the money and leaves.

Bart is walking down the street, with an excited Milhouse dancing in circles around him.

MILHOUSE
Can I see the fifty Bart? Can I? Huh?

BART
Milhouse, my friend, you and I are going on a spending spree.

MILHOUSE
My doctor says I'm not supposed to go on sprees.

BART
What about jags?

MILHOUSE
Jags are fine.

BART
Wonderful!

The boys enter the Kwik-E-Mart. Bart walks up to the counter, holding out the bill and coughing.

APU
(gasps) A fifty dollar bill! (He runs to the door and locks it.) Gentlemen. Let us shop.

Apu and the boys walk down an aisle.

APU
Our wide variety of gum comes in both stick and ball.

BART
I'm not really about gum, but I like the whole chewing thing.

APU
Are you averse to crispy centers, sir?

BART
Not at all.

APU
Then we have much to discuss.

The boys sit outside the store.

BART
(groaning) Oh, too much raw bacon.

MILHOUSE
Come on, Bart, we can't stop spending now. There's one thing I've always wanted to do.

Cut to a Laundromat, where Bart and Milhouse stand in their underwear.

MILHOUSE
My mom doesn't believe in fabric softener - but she's not around! Hahaha!

BART
I'm picking the next thing.

Back on the street again.

BART
Looks like we're down to our last ten bucks. Hello!

He sees a Radioactive Man comic, #1000 for sale. They go inside. Bart places the bill on the counter.

BART
Radioactive Man number one thousand, please.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Ten dollars? I laugh at you. Please to note that this is no ordinary comic book, it is in perma-mint condition. If you spill soda on it, the drops fly off harmlessly onto lesser comics.

Comic Book Guy demonstrates. His drink flies off onto a Bongo comic book. The boys gasp.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Yes, you are quite right to gasp. Also note the price - twenty five dollars.

BART
(to Milhouse) We had to buy lunch for that homeless guy.

Mrs. Prince walks into the store, holding a box of stuff.

MRS. PRINCE
While my son's at Fat Camp, I cleaned out his room. How much will you give me for this?

COMIC BOOK GUY
Probably nothing, but let us see... oh! A handwritten script for Star Wars by George Lucas? Princess Leia's anti-jiggle breast tape? Film reel labelled, "Alternate ending - Luke's father is Chewbacca"?! Oh!! Oh!! (calmly) I'll give you five dollars for the box.

MRS. PRINCE
Sold!

BART
Don't do it, lady, that stuff's worth thousands!

MILHOUSE
Yeah, he's ripping you off!

MRS. PRINCE
Well, if this stuff is valuable, then back to the leaky basement it goes. Hmph!

She walks out. Comic Book Guy holds up a camera to the boys.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Smile, please.

The boys smile, and Comic Book Guy takes a picture, and places it under a "Banned For Life" sign, next to Sideshow Bob, Nelon, and Matt Groening.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Thank you.

Back at home, Homer comforts Bart.

HOMER
Son, I know it hurts. I still remember my first lifetime banning.

We see Homer's recollection. He is at a Gallagher show. Gallagher is about to hit a melon on a stool, but someone takes it at the last minute, and the mallet rebounds and hits him in the face.

GALLAGHER
Ow! Hey, where's my melon?

We see Homer is eating it. The scene then cuts to Homer being thrown out.

GALLAGHER
...and you are banned for life from all of my performances, and TV specials!

HOMER
But I can still see your movies, right?

Gallagher growls angrily and slams the door. Homer starts crying, and we dissolve back into the present, where Homer is also crying.

HOMER
(he sniffs) And I never saw Gallagher again.

Lisa is reading the "Daily Set-Up"

LISA
Ooh, it says here that special effects wiz Tom Savini is going to be appearing at the comic book store tonight.

HOMER
Tom Savini?

MARGE
Yes. It says here he's the movie magician behind Creepshow, Friday The 13th, and Dawn Of The Dead.

BART
Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna miss that.

HOMER
Don't worry your spiky little head. I've got it all planned out.

BART
How could you have it planned out, you just heard about the problem.

HOMER
You're right! Give me a minute. Hmm...

It is the evening. A very tall Homer walks along the sidewalk. His long coat opens to reveal that he is standing on Bart's shoulders, who is in turn standing on Milhouse's shoulders.

MILHOUSE
Mr. Simpson, it hurts!

BART
Yeah, and why did we have to do this all the way from home?

HOMER
For once in my life, I'm tall! Don't take that away from me!

He closes his coat as he approaches Comic Book Guy.

HOMER
(in a posh voice) Hello, I'm Shaquille O'Neal. Let us in, please.

Comic Book Guy yanks off the long coat to reveal Bart and Milhouse.

COMIC BOOK GUY
You two are not welcome!

Homer gets off their shoulders.

HOMER
I'm sorry, son.

COMIC BOOK GUY
(giving Homer a wad of cash) Thanks for the tip-off.

HOMER
No problem.

Inside the store, Comic Book Guy introduces Tom Savini.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Appearing exclusively here at the Android's Dungeon - take that, Monsieurs Barnes and Noble - the king of splatter, Tom Savini.

The audience applauds.

TOM SAVINI
Good evening. (he burps) Sorry, I had a really big dinner.

HOMER
Woo! Dinner!

TOM SAVINI
But I'm sure one more French fry wouldn't hurt.

He eats the French fry, swells up like a balloon, and his belly explodes, covering the audience with 'blood and guts'. The audience applauds. Outside, Bart and Milhouse try to see through the window.

MILHOUSE
Oh, we missed the "Gut-buster".

BART
Yeah, that should be us covered with blood.

Back in the store, Savini is sitting down, with his head on a table next to him.

TOM SAVINI
Sure, computer technology is here to stay, but there'll always be a place for the practical special effects wizard.

Savini puts his head back on. The audience applaud, except for Comic Book Guy.

HOMER
I love the theatre.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Oh, please. I saw Paul Lynde do that same hackneyed trick on Bewitched. (He picks up a cookie and eats it.) Try to explode this out of my belly.

TOM SAVINI
That's not a cookie, it's a time-release blood pack.

Blood pours out of Comic Book Guy's mouth. He wipes it off on his shirt.

TOM SAVINI
You, sir, are a perfect patsy. Let me shake your hand.

Savini shakes his hand. The hand comes off.

COMIC BOOK GUY
(not impressed) For the gag, I will give a D plus. As for the workmanship on the hand...

Suddenly, the hand comes to life. It runs up his arm and down his back, and gives him a wedgie.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Ooh! Ooh! That's not right!

The audience laugh.

COMIC BOOK GUY
You mocking me!? Oh, that is rich!

The hand pulls him off stage, and he crashes into a stand of wizard hats. He emerges with two hats stuck to his chest as if he has breasts. The audience laugh even harder.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Stop your laughing! You're all banned! Banned, I tell you!

He reaches out, but stops to clutch his chest.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Ooh! Ooh! Breath... short! Left arm... numb! Can't go on... describing symptoms much longer!

He collapses. Tom Savini rushes over and puts his ear to his chest.

TOM SAVINI
I think he's had a heart attack!

The audience gasp.

ACT TWO

Comic Book Guy is in Springfield General Hospital. Dr. Hibbert, Homer, Bart and Milhouse are at his bedside.

DR. HIBBERT
Young man, you've had what we call a "cardiac episode."

COMIC BOOK GUY
Worst episode ever.

DR. HIBBERT
Oh, not even close. If these boys hadn't called 911, I'd be wearing that watch right now. (He chuckles) I'm just kidding. But you would be dead.

COMIC BOOK GUY
You saved my life?

BART
Yeah, after you were so mean to us.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Oh. So now we're even.

DR. HIBBERT
My prognosis... or is is diagnosis? Whichever. You need to avoid stress. What kind of work do you do?

COMIC BOOK GUY
I run a comic book store.

DR. HIBBERT
Oh dear Lord! We call that profession "The Widow-maker" - or we would, if any of the proprietors were married. You should close down the store for a while.

COMIC BOOK GUY
But I'd lose all my business to Frodo's of Shelbyville!

DR. HIBBERT
Well, get a friend to run it for you. You do have friends, don't you?

COMIC BOOK GUY
Well, the Super Friends.

DR. HIBBERT
You should get some friends who aren't printed on paper.

COMIC BOOK GUY
What, you mean action figures?

MILHOUSE
We'll run the store for you!

COMIC BOOK GUY
Two ten-year-olds running my store? Wh-what is this, Bizzaro-World?

DR. HIBBERT
Calm down! Don't make me put a dog heart in there!

The boys end up running the store. They turn up the next day.

MILHOUSE
Can you believe it, Bart? We're actually running a comic book store!

BART
(looking at the "Banned for Life" section) Looks like our lifetime ban just expired.

He takes his photo off the wall, but an alarm sounds. He quickly puts it back.

BART
Sorry, sorry!

MILHOUSE
Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions: A carton of malted-milk balls, one box confectioners' sugar, a can of chocolate frosting...

BART
That's just his shopping list.

MILHOUSE
No, it's his instructions.

BART
Well, we're going to make a few changes around here. This store's going to be run by kids, for kids.

MILHOUSE
You said it, partner.

The next day. A banner is hung up outside the store, reading "Under New Management." Cut to inside the store, where Bart chats up the customers.

BART
Ah nice to see ya. How about that Bloodzilla? (laughing) Vampire dinosaur? You can't make that stuff up.

Nelson reads a comic.

NELSON
"The Death of Sad Sack". This better not be another fake-out.

Ralph tries to enter the adult section.

BART
Uh-uh. You gotta be forty inches tall for the adult section.

RALPH
Please?

BART
Okay, get on your tippy-toes.

He does as Bart says, and goes in.

RALPH
Everybody's hugging!

MILHOUSE
Hey, Bart. I finished organizing the stock room.

BART
Mark down the Poochie crap, and then un-stick all the Supergirls.

MILHOUSE
You know, if we're partners, maybe you should do some of the work.

BART
Less barking, more marking.

MILHOUSE
Yes sir, partner!

As he begins, Bart can be seen walking home in the window, with a coat and hat on.

Homer is outside Moe's with Comic Book Guy.

HOMER
Now, when you've got a bum ticker like we do, you need all the friends you can get. And Moe's is the friendliest place in the rum district.

He opens the door to reveal Moe pointing a shotgun at one of the bar flies.

MOE
Get out! And take your Sacajawea dollars with you! I'll give you till three. One...

He pulls the trigger. He notices Homer and Comic Book Guy standing in the doorway.

MOE
Hey Homer, who's the manatee?

The bar flies laugh.

HOMER
Aw, be nice Moe, This guy just got out of the hospital.

MOE
Oh, sorry. Lemme buy ya a drink.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Very well. I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps. (He points to bottles on the shelf.)

MOE
Uh, these, they're just painted on there. Your choices are beer and egg soakings.

COMIC BOOK GUY
I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.

CARL
Hey, you knockin' beer?

LENNY
Nobody badmouths Duff!

He tries to smash the end off a bottle, but it completely disintegrates.

LENNY
Aw, piece of crap.

HOMER
Come on! You're here to make friends.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Oh, please. If I wanted to listen to mindless droning, I'd... befriend an air conditioner.

MOE
Now he's ragging on air conditioners!

CARL
Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal!

LENNY
Get him!

Moe, Lenny and Carl throw him out the door. He slides into the gutter.

MOE
And stay out!

COMIC BOOK GUY
Is there a word in Klingon for loneliness? (looks in a pocket book) Ah, yes: Gardachk!

Lisa visits The Androids Dungeon. Milhouse is behind the counter.

LISA
Milhouse, I'm impressed. The store is so busy, you and Bart are great businessmen.

MILHOUSE
Well, I'm really the brains. Bart's just the eye-candy.

A man walks into the store.

SALESMAN
Hi. Derek Reynolds, Plan Nine Comics. Is the manager here?

MILHOUSE
I'm kinda the co-manager.

Milhouse imagines himself in a film-noir, with Lisa as the femme-fatale character.

LISA
Tough break toots. I need a man who answers to noone. A full manager.

MILHOUSE
Achie-machie!

The vision dissolves back to reality.

MILHOUSE
I can help you sir. And I answer no no-one.

He winks at Lisa, who doesn't understand.

SALESMAN
Well then, you'll want to stock up on our new superhero.

MILHOUSE
Would you say he's the ultimate superhero?

SALESMAN
Oh, very ultimate indeed. Point your peepers... (he pulls a comic out of his briefcase) at Biclops!

MILHOUSE
(gasp) A superhero with glasses!

SALESMAN
Yeah, thick glasses... kinda like yours. So how many copies can I put you down for? Five hundred? Six hundred?

MILHOUSE
Six hundred sounds good.

SALESMAN
Oh, too bad, there's a price break at a thousand.

MILHOUSE
Oh, man!

Milhouse thinks, looking at a photo of Bart frowning on the counter. Finally, he puts it face down on the counter.

MILHOUSE
I'll take two thousand!

Comic Book Guy is standing at the door to a classroom, about to enroll in a "How To Make Friends" class.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Human contact... the final frontier.

He reaches out for the handle, when Agnes Skinner pushes past him.

AGNES
Out of the way, tubby!

COMIC BOOK GUY
Oh, pardon me, Oldie Hawn.

AGNES
Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap!

COMIC BOOK GUY
Oh, goody. Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.

AGNES
You are the rudest man who ever... (suggestively) bought me dinner.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Correction! I do not believe I have ever bought you... (realizes) Oh.

They both smile at each other.

Kearney walks into the store.

MILHOUSE
So, how many issues of Biclops would you like?

KEARNEY
Biclops? Who's his girlfriend, Lois Lame?

MILHOUSE
He's kinda afraid of girls.

Kearney tries to hit him over the head with the comic, but it crumples.

KEARNEY
Aw, it doesn't even smack good.

He leaves, and Bart enters.

BART
How could you spend all of our money on a comic book published by Lenscrafters? We'll never sell these. Birds won't even use them in their nests.

A bird flies into the store carrying an issue of the comic. It scratches it to pieces and flies off.

MILHOUSE
Okay, so I made one bad decision.

BART
Oh, It's my fault for leaving you in charge. Sometimes I forget how young you are.

MILHOUSE
I'm only three months younger than you.

BART
Oh look, you're getting cranky - you haven't had your juice.

MILHOUSE
Well, my straw broke off in the carton... that's not the point! We're supposed to be partners, and you're pushing me around, like a play-school corn-popper.

BART
(sniggers) It's a vacuum cleaner, Milhouse.

MILHOUSE
Whatever! I demand respect! I have feelings! I'm a human boy, just like you!!

BART
Shhh. Use your indoor voice.

MILHOUSE
Okay, that's it!

He steps back and removes is glasses. Realizing he cannot see anything, he puts them back on, and lunges at Bart. The scene freezes as a frame from a comic book. Milhouse is in the air, with a speech bubble saying "AIEEEE!" Bart is looking to the side, with a smaller bubble saying "SIGH..." Both of them are drawn with muscles.

ACT THREE

The scene continues. The frame from the comic book unfreezes, and Milhouse kicks Bart into a shelf on the other side of the store. Bart picks up a Transformer robot toy, and transforms it into an axe.

BART
On guard!

Milhouse also picks up a Transformer toy. However, this one transforms into... a watering can.

MILHOUSE
Oh...

The boys begin fighting. Soon, Milhouse has Bart cornered.

MILHOUSE
Eat watering can, partner!

Just as he swings his weapon, they both fall through a poster on the wall, down a flight of stairs, into a secret room, filled with video tapes. There is a chair in the middle of the room, and a television and VCR on one wall, amongst the shelves.

BART
Whoa!

MILHOUSE
Comic Book Guy's secret stash!

BART
Look at all these bootleg videos! (reading the labels) "Alien Autopsy", "Illegal Alien Autopsy", "Godfather III - Good version".

MILHOUSE
He's got the tape of Kent Brockman picking his nose. (he puts the tape into the VCR) Look! He's picking his nose!

Comic Book Guy is at Principal Skinner's house, waiting for Agnes.

AGNES
(from upstairs) I'll be right down! 'm just putting on my witch-hazel. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

COMIC BOOK GUY
(to Skinner) So... your mother tells me you go to Springfield Elementary.

SKINNER
Exactly what is your interest in my mother?

COMIC BOOK GUY
She makes me laugh.

AGNES
Here I come!

She slides down the banister.

SKINNER
Good lord mother! I can see your... (covering his mouth) figure.

AGNES
Oh, you see more when you do my daily mole check.

SKINNER
(aside, to Agnes) What I do for my allowance money is (indicating Comic Book Guy) nobody's business.

AGNES
He's not nobody. He might even be your new daddy.

Agnes and Comic Book Guy walk out, laughing. Skinner is left blubbering.

Bart and Milhouse settle down for more bootleg video viewing.

MILHOUSE
"Police Informant Tape"? These are never supposed to leave the station!

The tape shows Ned Flanders sitting at in an interrogation room with Chief Wiggum.

FLANDERS
I really hate to be a snitch.

WIGGUM
Don't worry. Your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest of confidence.

FLANDERS
Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's taken over the whole top floor!

BART
(explaining to Milhouse) It wasn't Dad's fault, the ape tricked him. What's next?

MILHOUSE
"Mr. Rogers" drunk.

He put the tape in. Mr. Rogers' voice is heard.

MR. ROGERS
(slurring his speech) What do you mean I can't take of my sweater? I'm hot!

MILHOUSE
You know, I'll bet kids would pay to see this stuff. We could have a midnight screening right here is the store.

BART
(gasps) That's actually a great idea, Milhouse.

MILHOUSE
Really? Well, I was due.

BART
I'll say... partner.

Homer and Marge visit the Squidport.

MARGE
So many restaurants.

HOMER
Oh, I can't decide! I throw myself upon the mercy of the food court!

MARGE
(approaching one) Um, I guess I'll have the Chicken Tandoori.

HOMER
(at a different stall) And I'll have the Beef Wellington.

We see that underneath the stalls, a man puts the same "All-Purpose Meat" onto different ramps, serving each restaurant. Back up top, Homer and Marge meet Comic Book Guy and Agnes.

MARGE
Oh, look at you two. You look so "couple-y"

COMIC BOOK GUY
Yes, well we're a perfect match. Her sneer just lights up my day.

AGNES
And we're always finishing each other's insults.

Their date is played out to "Puppy Love" by Paul Anka. Comic Book Guy and Agnes take a walk, destroying fun of children wherever they go. Comic Book Guy turns off an open fire hydrant in which kids are playing, and skims a stone over a lake, sinking a boy's toy boat. They then sit looking at the sunset.

AGNES
Sunsets. Thank God there's only one of these a day.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Could it be any more orange?

A banner outside The Androids Dungeon reads "Forbidden Film Festival - $5". Inside, dozens of kids gather for the screening.

BART
I must warn you that when this next tape starts, it will not stop... because that button is broken.

MILHOUSE
Let's watch.

The video is a black and white defense briefing. A general is sat at a desk.

GENERAL
If you're watching this tape, you are the President of the United States. Hello, sir, or ma'am. Hopefully sir.

BART
Got that right!

He high-fives Milhouse. On the tape, the general walks over to a map of Springfield.

GENERAL
Springfield has been classified "NWB," for "Nuclear Whipping Bhoy." In the first moments of a nuclear war, Springfield will be bombed at will by all friendly nations to calibrate their missiles. (the kids cheer) Now for total security, I will terminate the cameraman.

He pulls out a pistol, and shoots the cameraman.

CAMERAMAN
Thanks a lot, Steve!

He falls off camera. The kids cheer, but not for long. Suddenly, the police enter the room through the poster.

WIGGUM
All right, this is a raid!

Several kids try to dive out of the room by running into posters on the wall, but just hit their heads.

WIGGUM
Well, well, well! This place has got more pirated tapes than a...

LOU
A Chinese K-Mart?

WIGGUM
Well, that'll have to do. Are these yours, son?

MILHOUSE
No sir. We're just exhibiting them for profit without permission.

WIGGUM
Fair enough. But the owner is in more hot water than...

LOU
A Japanese tea bag?

WIGGUM
Why don't you lay off the Asians, Lou?

Comic Book Guy and Agnes make love in his apartment.

COMIC BOOK GUY
 Well, you've changed me, Agnes. Maybe there is room in my store for romance comics.

AGNES
Nobody will buy those. Your store smells. Now kiss me, funny face.

The police break down the door.

WIGGUM
All right... oh! Dear God! Cover your eyes boys!

Eddie turns away and throws up. Lou comforts him.

LOU
It's okay, man. It doesn't affect you. You're not human.

WIGGUM
Comic Book Guy, you're under arrest for the possession of illegal videos. (covering his eyes) But we'll reduce your sentence if you put your pants on - fast! God!

LOU
Come on, Romeo.

COMIC BOOK GUY
They can't lock me up for long, Agnes. Will you wait for me?

AGNES
Are you crazy? My bones are half dust!

The Androids Dungeon is cordoned off. Bart and Milhouse walk down the street.

MILHOUSE
Well, we may not have the store, but at least we're friends again.

BART
Yup. And, we haven't been to school in days and days and days.

MILHOUSE
Oh well, looks like everything's back to normal.

Just then, Flanders' car passes them. Ned is driving, with the radioactive ape in the passenger's seat. The ape smacks him.

FLANDERS
Look, if you want me to turn, just point. (the ape smacks him again) Ow! It's one way! (another smack) Ow! Now what was that for? (smack) Ow! (smack) Ow! (smack) Ow!

Fade to credits.