Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire script

ACT ONE

"The Simpsons Christmas Special" appears on screen. The episode begins with Homer, Marge and Maggie arriving at Springfield Elementary School. They are late for the schools' Christmas show.

MARGE
Oh, careful, Homer!

HOMER
There's no time to be careful, we're late.

They enter the hall. A class is singing "Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem".

MARGE
Sorry, excuse me, pardon me, sorry.

HOMER
Hey Norman, how is it going? So you got dragged out here too, huh?

MARGE
Excuse me, excuse me.

HOMER
How are you doing, Fred? Yeah. Excuse me. (he steps on someone's feet) Oops, pardon my galoshes.

The audience applaud. Principal Skinner comes on stage.

SKINNER
Wasn't that wonderful? And now, the Santa's of many lands, as presented by the entire second grade class.

MARGE
Oh, Lisa's class.

GIRL
Frohlich Weihnachten. That's German for Merry Christmas. In Germany Santa servant Bruprecht gives presents to good children and whipping rods to the parents of bad ones.

The audience applaud.

BOY
Merry Kurisumasu I am Hotiashi a Japanese priest who acts like Santa Clause. I have eyes in the back of my head so children better behave when I'm nearby.

He turns around to reveal glasses (with eyes attached) on the back of his head. One of the eyes pops out, and the crowd gasp, then applaud.

MR. LARGO
Now presenting Lisa Simpson as Towanga, the Santa Clause of the South Seas.

HOMER
Oh it's Lisa! That's ours.

Lisa, wearing a witch doctor mask and grass skirt, juggles flaming torches.

SKINNER
Ah, the fourth grade will now favor us with a melody... er... medley of Holiday favorites.

The class sing Jingle Bells...

CLASS
Dancing through the snow,
In a one-horse open sleigh,
O'er the fields we go,
Dancing all the way, ho ho ho...

MARGE
Isn't Bart sweet, Homer? He sings like an angel.

...but Bart creates his own lyrics.

BART
Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke its wheel, the Joker got awa-aah!

He is pulled off stage by Skinner. The scene fades from Homer looking bored to Homer looking even more bored.

SKINNER
The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene form Charles... uh... Dickens'... A Christmas Carol.

HOMER
Oh, How many grades does this school have?

At the Simpsons' home, Marge is writing a letter. We hear her reading the letter in her head.

MARGE
"Dear friends of the Simpson family. We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First, the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to kitty heaven. But we bought a new little cat Snowball II, so I guess life goes on. Speaking of live going on, Grandpa is still with us, feisty as ever. Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's, and Bart... well, we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all."

HOMER
Marge! Haven't you finished that stupid letter yet?

MARGE
"Homer sends his love. Happy Holidays..."

HOMER
Marge!

MARGE
"...the Simpsons."

HOMER
Marge! Where's the extension cord?

MARGE
For heaven sakes, Homer, its in the utility drawer.

HOMER
Sorry I'm just a big kid. I love Christmas so much.

He opens the drawer and finds that the extension cord is tangled up.

HOMER
D'oh!

MARGE
All right, children, let me have those letters. I'll send them to Santa's workshop at the North Pole.

BART
Oh please, there's only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.

MARGE
(looking at Lisa's list) A Pony? Oh Lisa, you have asked for that for the past three years, and I keep telling you that Santa cant fit a pony in his sleigh. Cant you take a hint?

LISA
But I really want a pony and I have been really really good this year.

MARGE
Oh, dear. Maybe Bart is a little more realistic. (reading) A tattoo?!

HOMER
A what?

BART
Yeah, they're cool, and they last for the rest of your life.

MARGE
You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.

HOMER
Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance.

BART
All right!

MARGE
Homer!

The phone rings. Homer answers it.

HOMER
Hello?

PATTY
Marge please.

HOMER
Who is this?

PATTY
May I please speak to Marge?

HOMER
This is her sister isn't it?

PATTY
Is Marge there?

HOMER
Who shall I say is calling?

PATTY
Marge please.

HOMER
(handing the phone to Marge) It's your sister.

MARGE
Oh, hello.

PATTY
Hello Marge, its Patty. Selma and I couldn't be more excited about seeing our baby sister for Christmas Eve.

MARGE
Well, Homer and I are looking forward to your visit too.

Homer makes a strangling sound.

PATTY
Somehow I doubt that Homer is excited. Of all the men you could have married, I don't know why you picked one who is always so rude to...

The scene fades to outside. Homer is putting lights up. After connecting the last one he falls off the roof.

BART
Good one, Dad.

HOMER
Okay kids prepare to be dazzled. Marge, turn on the juice! What do you think kids?

The lights are pretty pathetic.

LISA
Nice try, Dad.

BART
Ugh.

FLANDERS
(to Todd) Hold your horses, son. (calling from next door) Hey, Simpson!

HOMER
What is it, Flanders?

FLANDERS
Do you think this looks okay?

BART
Whoa, neat-oh!

HOMER
Its too bright. (muttering) Flanders, what a big show off.

ACT TWO

The family is at the breakfast table.

MARGE
Kids, do you want to go Christmas shopping?

LISA
I do!

BART
All right, the mall!

MARGE
Go get your money.

HOMER
Tell us, Marge, where have you been hiding the Christmas money?

MARGE
Oh, I have my secrets. Turn around. (She pulls a jar of money out of her hair.) You can look now.

HOMER
Oh, big jar this year!

At the mall, Marge and Lisa are looking at the trains and Bart is looking at some tattoos. Bart imagines himself with a "Mother" tattoo.

MARGE
Oh, Bart that's so sweet. Its the best present a mother could get, and it makes you look so dangerous.

Bart decides to go into the store and get one.

BART
One "Mother" please.

TATTOO GUY
Wait a minute. How old are you?

BART
Twenty one, sir.

TATTOO GUY
Get in the chair.

At the power plant, Homer is checking the equipment. Everything is in order, even one with a red flashing light. An announcement comes over the tannoy.

SMITHERS
Attention all personnel. Please keep working during the following announcement.

The employees stop to eat donuts.

SMITHERS
And now, our boss and friend, Mr. Burns.

MR. BURNS
Hello. I'm proud to announce that we've been able to increase safety here at the power plant without increasing the cost to the consumer or affecting management pay raises. However, for you semi-skilled workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses. Oh, and one more thing Merry Christmas.

HOMER
Oh, thank god for the big jar.

Back at the mall.

MARGE
Where's that Bart?

Bart's screams can be heard. Marge walks into the Tattoo store, and is shocked to see Bart getting a tattoo with the word "Moth" on it. She yanks him out of the chair, and takes him next door to a doctor that can remove the tattoo.

BART
But Mom, I thought you would like it!

DOCTOR
Yes, Mrs. Simpson, we can remove your sons tattoo. Its a simple routine involving lasers.

BART
Cool!

DOCTOR
However, it is expensive we must insist on a cash payment up front.

MARGE
Cash?

DOCTOR
Mm-hmm.

MARGE
Thank god for Homers Christmas bonus.

The doctor turns the laser on.

BART
Aye Carumba!

DOCTOR
Now, what ever you do boy, don't squirm. You don't want this sucker near your eye or your groin.

Back at home. Lisa touches Bart's arm.

BART
Ow! Quit it. (she does it again) Ow! Quit it. (she does it again) Ow! Quit it (Maggie touches his arm) Ow! Quit it.

Homer walks into the room.

HOMER
Hey, what's this? (he touches Bart's arm)

BART
Ow! Quit it. It used to be a real boss tattoo.

LISA
But Mom had to spend all the Christmas money to have it surgically removed.

Marge shows him the empty jar.

HOMER
Oh, its true! The jar is empty! Oh my god, we're ruined. Christmas is canceled, no presents for anyone.

MARGE
Don't worry Homer we'll just have to stretch your Christmas bonus even farther this year.

HOMER
Aah!

MARGE
Homer?

HOMER
Oh, yeah... my Christmas bonus. Hee hee... how silly of me. This will be best Christmas yet. The best any family ever had!

He goes outside, and looks at his measly decorations, then Flanders' extravagant decorations. He hangs his head in shame.

ACT THREE

Homer and Marge are in bed.

MARGE
I get the feeling there's something you haven't told me Homer.

HOMER
Huh? Oh, I love you Marge.

MARGE
Oh, you tell me that all the time.

HOMER
Good, because I do love you. I don't deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet and a credit card that wont set off that horrible beeping.

MARGE
Well, I think it does have something to do with your Christmas bonus. I keep asking for it, but...

HOMER
Marge, let me be honest with you.

MARGE
Yes?

HOMER
Well... I... I want to do the Christmas shopping this year!

MARGE
Well, sure, okay.

She hands him a piece of paper. Homer smiles in a big grin, and Marge switches the lights out. Homer's eyes and teeth can still be seen.

Homer is at the store, shopping.

HOMER
Marge, Marge, mmm, lets see... oh, look! Pantyhose! Practical and alluring. A six pack, oh, only 4.99. Ooh, pads of paper. I bet Bart could think of a million things to do with these. That just leaves little Maggie... oh look, a little squeak toy! It says its for dogs, but she cant read.

Outside, Homer runs into Flanders and they both drops their boxes.

FLANDERS
Oh, ho ho Simpson, its you.

HOMER
Hello Flanders.

FLANDERS
Oh my, what a little mess we've got here. Well, which ones are yours and
which ones are mine?

HOMER
Well, lets see.

FLANDERS
(picking up boxes) Well this one's mine, and this one's mine. This ones mine, and...

HOMER
They're all yours!

TODD
Hey, Mr. Simpson. You dropped your pork chop.

HOMER
(snatching it) Gimme that!

FLANDERS
Well, happy holidays Simpson!

TODD
(walking off) Gee Dad, this is going to be the best Christmas ever.

FLANDERS
You bet!

Homer is at Moe's Tavern.

MOE
What's the matter, Homer? Did someone leave a lump of coal in your stocking? You've been sitting there sucking on a beer all day long.

HOMER
So?

MOE
So, its Christmas. (He hands Homer a candy cane)

HOMER
Thanks Moe.

Barney enters.

BARNEY
Drinks all around!

HOMER
What's with the crazy get up, Barn?

BARNEY
I got me a part time job working as a Santa down at the mall.

HOMER
Wow, can I do that?

BARNEY
I dunno, they're pretty selective. (he belches)

Homer is being interviewed for the Santa job.

MANAGER
Do you like children?

HOMER
What do you mean, all the time? Even when they're nuts? (the manager frowns at him) Uh, I certainly do!

MANAGER
Welcome aboard, Simpson. Pending your completion of our training program that is.

Homer is in a classroom, filled with Santa look-a-likes.

SANTAS
Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!

Homer raises his hand.

TEACHER
What is it now, Simpson?

HOMER
Uh, when do we get paid?

TEACHER
Not a dime till Christmas Eve. Now, from the top.

SANTAS
Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!

Later in class.

HOMER
Um, Dasher... Dancer...

TEACHER
Mm-hmm.

HOMER
Prancer...

TEACHER
Mm-hmm.

HOMER
Nixon... Comet... Cupid... Donna Dixon?

TEACHER
Sit down, Simpson.

Later again. The teacher is sat on Homer's lap.

HOMER
And what would you like, little boy?

TEACHER
You're not really Santa, tubby.

HOMER
Why you little...! (he tries to strangle the manager)

TEACHER
Hey! No Homer, if such an emergency arises just tell them Santa is very busy this time of year, and you're one of his helpers.

HOMER
D'oh, I knew that one too.

Back at home. Homer has just arrived back.

MARGE
Homer, why are you 7 hours late?

HOMER
Not a word Marge, I'm heading straight for the tub.

MARGE
But Homer, my sisters are here, don't you want to say hello?

Homer shudders.

BART & LISA
Daddy, Daddy!

BART
Welcome home!

LISA
Where so glad to see you!

HOMER
Why? Oh yeah. Hello Patty, hello Selma, how was your trip.

PATTY
Fine.

HOMER
You both look well.

SELMA
Thank you.

HOMER
Yeah, well, Merry Christmas.

PATTY
It's Christmas? You wouldn't know it around here.

HOMER
And why is that?

SELMA
Well, for one thing there's no tree.

HOMER
Well I was just on my way out to get one!

LISA
Can we go too, Dad?

BART
Yeah, can we?

HOMER
No!!

Homer drives around, looking for Christmas trees. He passes signs that read "All trees $75'', "Trees $60 and up'' and "Christmas trees, slightly irregular, $45''. Finally, he goes to an area marked "No trespassing" and cuts down his own tree. A guard chases after him.

GUARD
Hey you! What do you think you're doing?

HOMER
Uh-oh.

GUARD
Hey! Hey! Come back here!

He shoots several shots off a gun as Homer drives off. Back at the house, the family admire the tree.

HOMER
So, what do you think, kids? Beauty, isn't it?

BART
Wow!

LISA
Way to go, Dad!

SELMA
Why is there a birdhouse in it?

HOMER
Oh, that's an ornament.

PATTY
Do I smell gun powder?

At the mall, a boy sits on Homer's lap.

BOY
And then I want some Robotoids, and then I want a gook monster, and I want I great big...

HOMER
Ah son, you don't need all that junk. I'm sure you already got something much more important: a decent home, and a loving father that would do anything for you. Hey, I cant afford lunch, give me a bite of that donut.

Bart, Milhouse and Lewis watch Homer from the gantry.

MILHOUSE
Get a load at that quote-unquote Santa.

LEWIS
I cant believe those kids are falling for it.

BART
Hey Milhouse, I dare you to sit on his lap.

MILHOUSE
Oh yeah? Well I dare you to yank his beard off.

BART
Ah Touché!

Back down below.

GIRL
I hope you feel better, Santa.

HOMER
Oh, I will when Mrs. Clause's sisters get out of town. Thanks for listening kid.

Bart is up next.

BART
Hey Santa, what's shakin' man?

HOMER
What's your name Bart... ner... uh, little partner?

BART
I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?

HOMER
(angrily) I'm jolly old Saint Nick.

BART
Oh yeah, we'll just see about that. (Bart pulls his beard off)

HOMER
D'oh!

BART
Homer!

HOMER
I want a word with you in Santa's Workshop little boy! (aside) Cover for me Alphy.

BART
Don't kill me Dad, I didn't know it was you!

HOMER
Nobody knows! Its a secret. I didn't get my bonus this year but to keep the family from missing out on Christmas I'd do anything.

BART
I'll say. You must really love us to sink so low.

HOMER
Well lets not get mushy son, I still have a job to do. (leaves the workshop) Hey hey! Santa's back! Ho ho (he bangs his head) D'oh! Dammit!

Homer is getting paid.

HOMER
Ah, son, one day you're going to learn the satisfaction of payday - receiving a big fat check for a job well done.

CASHIER
Simpson, Homer. Here you go.

HOMER
Come on son lets go cash this baby and get presents for... aah! Thirteen bucks? Hey wait a minute!

CASHIER
That's right. $120 gross, less Social Security...

HOMER
Yeah...

CASHIER
Less unemployment insurance...

HOMER
But...

CASHIER
Less Santa training...

HOMER
Santa training?

CASHIER
Less costume purchase...

HOMER
Wait a minute...

CASHIER
Less beard rental...

HOMER
But...

CASHIER
Less Christmas club.

HOMER
But...

CASHIER
See you next year.

HOMER
Ohh...

BART
Come on dad lets go home.

HOMER
Thirteen bucks? You can't get anything for thirteen bucks.

BARNEY
All right, thirteen big ones! Springfield Downs, here I come!

HOMER
What?

BARNEY
You heard me, I'm going to the dog track. I got a hot little puppy in the fourth race. Want to come?

HOMER
Sorry Barney, I may be a total wash out of a father but I'm not going to take my kid to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve.

BARNEY
Come on Simpson, the dogs name is Whirlwind. Ten to one shot. Money in the bank.

HOMER
Uh-uh.

BART
Aw, come on Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, its that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it going to happen to us.

HOMER
Well, okay lets go. (walking off) Who's Tiny Tim?

At the Simpsons home. Everyone is watching the Happy Little Elves.

ELF #1
Hey, Moley, do you think Santa will be able to find Elf County under all this snow?

ELF #2
I doubt it, Bubbles. We'll be sad little elves this Christmas.

LISA
Oh no!

GRAMPA
Oh Brother.

SELMA
Where's your husband?

PATTY
Yeah, its getting late.

MARGE
Well, he said he went caroling with Bart.

At the dog track. Bart is on Barney's shoulders.

BART & BARNEY
We're in the money! We're in the money!

HOMER
I can't believe I'm doing this.

They walk past a child with his father.

KID
Can we open our presents now, Dad?

FATHER
You know the tradition, son, not till the eighth race.

HOMER
Hey Barney, which one is Whirlwind?

BARNEY
Number six. That's our lucky dog right over there. He won he last five races.

HOMER
What, that scrawny little bag of bones?

BART
Come on Dad, they're all scrawny little bags of bones.

HOMER
Yeah, you're right. I guess Whirlwind is our only hope for a Merry Christmas.

ANNOUNCER
Attention racing fans, we have a late scratch in the fourth race. Number eight Sir Galahad will be replaced by Santa's Little Helper once again Sir Galahad has been replaced by Santa's Little Helper.

HOMER
Bart did you here that? What a name - Santa's Little Helper. It's a sign. It's an omen.

BART
It's a coincidence, Dad.

HOMER
(at the betting desk) What are the odds on Santa's Little Helper?

MAN
Ninety nine to to one.

HOMER
Wow! Ninety nine times thirteen equals... Merry Christmas!

BART
I got a bad feeling about this.

HOMER
Don't you believe in me son?

BART
Uh...

HOMER
Come on boy, sometimes your face is all that keep me going.

BART
Oh... go for it, Dad.

HOMER
That's my boy! (to the clerk) Everything on Santa's little Helper.

Back at home. The Happy Little Elves reaches a happy end.

ELVES
Hip-hip-hooray! Hip-hip-hooray! Hip-hip-hooray!

LISA
Yay!

GRAMPA
Unadulterated pap.

PATTY
It's almost nine o'clock.

SELMA
Where is Homer anyway?

PATTY
It's typical of the big doofus to spoil it all.

LISA
What Aunt Patty?

PATTY
Oh nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.

LISA
Well, I wish that you wouldn't. Because aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you beer in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me, and I am far to young to cartoon myself against such onslaughts.

PATTY
Mmm-hmm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.

Back at the dog track.

HOMER
Come on Bart, kiss the ticket for good luck. Not that we need it!

ANNOUNCER
Here comes Shirley the mechanical rabbit. And they're off. Around the first turn, it's Whirlwind in the lead, and coming up on the left is Quadruped followed by Dog of War and Fido.

Bart and Homer cheer for Santa's Little Helper.

ANNOUNCER
Dog of War coming up fast on the outside. And in last place... is Santa's Little Helper.

HOMER
D'oh! Oh...

BART
Don't worry Dad. Maybe this is just for suspense before the miracle happens.

HOMER
Come on you stupid dog.

BART
Come on boy.

ANNOUNCER
Whirlwind wins by a country mile followed by Dog of War.

HOMER
D'oh!

BART
It doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me.

HOMER
I don't want leave till I dog finishes. (long pause) Ah forget it, lets go.

Outside the dog track, Bart and Homer looks for a winning ticket.

HOMER
Find any winners son?

BART
Sorry, Dad.

Barney drives up, with a woman in the passenger seat.

BARNEY
Hey Simpson, what did I tell you - Whirlwind. Lets go Daria.

They drive off. A man starts shouting.

MAN
Beat it! Scram, get lost! You came in last for the last time!

BART
Look Dad, its Santa's Little Helper.

MAN
And don't come back!

The dog runs towards Homer & Bart.

HOMER
Oh no you don't! No, no, get away from me! Uh-uh.

BART
Oh, can we keep him dad please.

HOMER
But he's a loser! He's pathetic! He's... (the dog licks Homer) ... a Simpson.

Back at the Simpson home.

MARGE
Mmm... maybe we should call the police.

PATTY
He'll sober up.

SELMA
Yeah, come staggering home.

PATTY
Uh-huh. Smelling like cheap perfume.

Homer & Bart enter.

MARGE
Homer!

GRAMPA
(waking up) What? Wha?

HOMER
Look everybody, I have a confession to make.

PATTY
This should be good.

HOMER
I didn't get my Christmas bonus. I tried to not let it ruin Christmas for everybody, but no matter what I did...

BART
Hey everybody, look what we got!

LISA
A dog! All right dad!

MARGE
God bless him.

LISA
So love at first sight is possible.

BART
And if he runs away he'll be easy to catch.

MARGE
This is the best gift of all, Homer.

HOMER
It is?

MARGE
Yes, something to share our love. And frighten prowlers.

LISA
What's he's name?

HOMER
Number 8. I mean, Santa's Little Helper.

The family all pet the dog. The moment is captured in a snapshot, with "Happy Holidays from The Simpsons" written on it.

The Simpsons family then sing "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" (a la Simpson) over the closing credits. Grampa is sat at the piano. Bart and Lisa interrupt the song.

ALL
Rudolph the Red nosed reindeer,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it glows.

BART
Like a light bulb!

HOMER
Bart!

ALL
All of the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names.

LISA
Like Schnozzola!

HOMER
Lisa!

ALL
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any reindeer games.

BART
Like strip poker!

HOMER
I'm warning you two!

ALL
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,

MARGE
Take it Homer.

HOMER
Er... Rudolph, get your nose over here,
So you can drive my sleigh... today...

GRAMPA
Oh, Homer...

ALL
Then all the reindeer loved him,
And they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red nose reindeer,
You'll go down in history!

BART
Like Attila the Hu- ught urk!

HOMER
You little... grrrr!!