Last Exit To Springfield script

ACT ONE

The episode starts in a large mansion. Senator Medoza taps his glass to call attention to his dinner guests.

MENDOZA
My friends, tonight we unveil my most diabolical creation: Swank. Ten times more addictive than marijuana.

GUESTS
Ooh!

MENDOZA
To human misery!

Suddenly, the ice sculpture bursts and TV action hero McBain bursts out.

MCBAIN
Ice to see you!

MENDOZA
McBain!

He starts firing round after round from his machine gun, killing practically everyone in the room. Everyone except Mendoza, that is.

MENDOZA
Ah, McBain, so glad you could make it. (hands him a plate with food on) Have a salmon puff.

MCBAIN
Alright.

He takes one and bites into it. Some kind of gas sprays out, incapacitating McBain. He screams and falls unconscious. Mendoza laughs evilly. It turns out Homer & Bart are watching this movie.

BART
That is one evil dude.

HOMER
It's just a movie, son. There's nobody that evil in real life.

Cut to Mr. Burns office, where an employee clings from a rope outside his window. Burns laughs evilly. He closes the blind and we hear the man screaming as he falls. Burns calls Smithers.

BURNS
Smithers, where is that union representative? He's twenty minutes late!

SMITHERS
I don't know, sir. He hasn't been seen since he promised to clean up the union.

Cut to a football pitch where a player trip over a freshly dug human-shaped mound of earth.

PLAYER
What the Hell?

Back to the office.

BURNS
Well let's look at the contract ourselves. (reading) Benefits? Perks? A green cookie on Saint Patrick's Day? Ho ho, it didn't used to be this way, Smithers. No, it didn't used to be this way at all...

He recalls visiting the factory in his childhood years with his grandfather, when people smashed atoms by hand. Burns' grandfather pulls aside a worker.

BURNS' GRANDFATHER
Come on, come on! Crack those atoms! You, turn out your pockets. (worker does so) Atoms! (counts them) One, two three, four... six of them! Take him away!

WORKER
(squeaky, annoying voice) You can't treat the working man this way. One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!

BURNS' GRANDFATHER
The Japanese?! Those sandal-wearing goldfish-tenders? Bosh, flim-shaw!

Back to the present day.

BURNS
If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven. Well, I'm going to avenge my grandfather. We'll take on that greedy union, and we'll get back our... (points at a random line) Dental Plan.

At the Painless Dentistry (formerly Painful Dentistry), the dentist interrogates Ralph.

DR. WOLFE
How often do you brush, Ralph?

RALPH
Three times a day, sir.

DR. WOLFE
(menacingly) Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?

RALPH
Alright, I don't brush! (crying) I don't brush!

DR. WOLFE
Let's look at a picture book - the Big Book of British Smiles.

He shows him a book of people with crooked and missing teeth.

RALPH
That's enough! (crying) That's enough!

In the waiting room, Bart talks to several kids.

BART
Dr. Wolfe likes to pull kids' teeth so he can sell 'em.

KID
To who?

BART
Know that rattle when you shake up a can of spray paint? That's a kid's tooth!

The kids shudder. Next the dentist consults the Simpsons kids. He inspects Maggie's mouth.

DR. WOLFE
Maggie's teeth are coming in rather crooked. Has she been sucking on a pacifier?

MARGE
Uh... not to my knowledge.

DR. WOLFE
Liar!

A little while later.

DR. WOLFE
I'm also afraid little Lisa is going to need braces.

LISA
Oh no! I'll be socially unpopular! (pause) More so.

MARGE
Are you sure, doctor?

DR. WOLFE
Well, judge for yourself. (showing a computer image) Here's Lisa today. Without treatment, here's what she'll look like at age 11... age 14... age 17... and finally, age 18.

The last picture shows a huge tooth has grown up through her face. Lisa gasps.

BART
Cool! she'll be a freak!

MARGE
Bart!

BART
We can stick her in a trailer, drive around the south and charge two bits a gander.

Homer watches wrestling on television.

TV ANNOUNCER
Now stay tuned for professional wrestling live from Springfield Grappelarium. Tonight a Texas death match: Dr. Hillbilly versus the Iron Yuppie. One man will actually be unmasked and killed in the ring!

HOMER
I hope they kill that Iron Yuppie. Thinks he's so big.

Marge and the kids enter.

MARGE
Homer, Lisa needs braces.

HOMER
Don't worry. We won a dental plan in the strike of '88. (indicating scar) That's where I got this scar.

Flashback to the strike. The employees protest.

CARL
What do we want?

EMPLOYEES
More equitable treatment at the hands of management!

CARL
When do we want it?

EMPLOYEES
Soon!

Pan across to Homer at the snack cart.

HOMER
Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? (awning collapses and hits him in the head) Ow!

Back to present, and Homer points out another scar.

HOMER
Then I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.

At the Union meeting.

CARL
Welcome, brothers of Local 643. As you know, our president, Chuckie Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately. We're all prayin' he'll turn up soon, alive and well. (everyone laughs) All right, all right. But seriously, we have to vote of Burns' new contract. It's basically the same deal, except we get a free keg of beer for our meetings. (everyone cheers) In exchange for that, we have to give up our dental plan.

Everyone cheers and rushes over to the beer keg. Lenny pours a beer.

LENNY
So long Dental Plan!

Lenny's and Marge words keep repeating in Homer's head.

LENNY'S VOICE
Dental Plan!

MARGE
Lisa needs braces.

LENNY'S VOICE
Dental Plan!

MARGE
Lisa needs braces.

LENNY'S VOICE
Dental Plan!

MARGE
Lisa needs braces.

LENNY'S VOICE
Dental Plan!

MARGE
Lisa needs braces.

LENNY'S VOICE
Dental Plan!

MARGE
Lisa needs braces.

LENNY'S VOICE
Dental Plan!

MARGE
Lisa needs braces.

Charlie drops a pencil into Homer's butt crack.

CARL
Bullseye!

HOMER
Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I've lost my train of thought.

LENNY'S VOICE
Dental Plan!

MARGE
Lisa needs braces.

LENNY'S VOICE
Dental Plan!

MARGE
Lisa needs braces.

HOMER
(finally realizing) If we give up our dental plan... I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces! (to everyone) People, stop! We can't give up our Dental Plan! Lenny, without the dental plan, you wouldn't have that diamond in your tooth.

Lenny smiles and someone steals the diamond

MAN
Yoink!

LENNY
Hey!

HOMER
And Gummy Joe, where would you be without the Dental Plan?

GUMMY JOE
I wouldn't have old "chopper" here. that's for sure.

He pierces a can of soda with his solitary tooth.

HOMER
You know what I think of this contract? This!

He rips it to shreds. A secret camera focuses on him. Burns and Smithers watch on the monitor.

BURNS
Who is that firebrand, Smithers?

SMITHERS
That's Homer Simpson.

BURNS
Simpson, eh? New man?

SMITHERS
Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...

BURNS
Doesn't ring a bell.

Back in the Union room.

ALL
Homer! Homer! Homer!

CARL
I move that Homer Simpson be out new Union President. All in favor?

ALL
Aye!

CARL
All opposed?

MEEK VOICE
(from back of crowd somewhere) Nay.

CARL
Congratulations, Homer.

The crowd picks Homer up, cheering.

HOMER
Hey, what does this job pay?

CARL
Nothing.

HOMER
D'oh!

CARL
Unless you're crooked.

HOMER
Woo-hoo!

ACT TWO

The Simpsons eat breakfast.

MARGE
President of the Union? I'm so proud of you, Homie.

LISA
This is your chance to get a fair shake for the working man.

HOMER
And make life-long connections to the world of organized crime. Mmm... organized crime...

Homer imagines himself as Italian "Don Homer".

MAN
Don Homer, I have baked a special donut just-a for you.

DON HOMER
(tries it) Mmm... graci

WOMAN
Don Homer, my son, he has a-trouble with the--

DON HOMER
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. (takes a donut) Molto bene.

Back to reality, Homer is still dreaming.

HOMER
That's a nice a-donut.

MARGE
Do you think you can get back the Dental Plan back?

HOMER
Well, that depends on who's a better negotiator: Mr. Burns or me.

BART
Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish.

HOMER
(trading) Done and done. (chuckles, then he realizes) D'oh!

Lisa & Marge return to the dentist.

DR. WOLFE
Lisa and Marge, these braces are invisible, painless, and periodically release a delightful burst of Calvin Klein's Obsession... for Teeth.

LISA
(smelling) Mmm!

MARGE
Uh, doctor, we don't have a dental plan right now, so we'll need something a little more... affordable.

DR. WOLFE
(pulling out a mess of metal) These predate stainless steel, so you can't get them wet.

Mr. Burns watches Homer on his monitor.

BURNS
He's a worthy foe. Look at him, Smithers. Exercising away while the others are off at the candy machine.

From behind, however, we see that Homer is just struggling to reach a Sugar Daddy stuck to his back.

HOMER
Hey Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back?

LENNY
Okay, but it's the last time!

Burns chats to Homer in his office.

BURNS
We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.

HOMER
(thinking) Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?

BURNS
And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

HOMER
(thinking) Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?

BURNS
I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?

HOMER
(thinking) Oh my God! He is coming onto me!

BURNS
After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. (winks)

HOMER
(thinking) Aah! (aloud) Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

He walks out.

Back at the dentist. Dr. Wolfe is ready to put Lisa's braces in.

DR. WOLFE
Lisa, so you won't be scared, I'll show you some of the tools I'll be using. This is the scraper. This is the poker. And this happy little fellow... is the gouger. Now the first thing I'll be doing is chiseling some teeth out of your jawbone. Hold still while I gas you.

Lisa is anesthetized, and dreams. She floats happily through the air and passes over strange landscapes a la Yellow Submarine. The Beatles even make an appearance.

RINGO
Look, fella0, it's Lisa in the sky.

MCCARTNEY
No diamonds, though.

HARRISON
Look out for the campy drawing of Queen Victoria!

The crash and shout "Help us!".

Lisa wakes up, asking for the mirror.

LISA
The mirror. (impatiently) The mirror!

Wolfe gives it to her. Lisa cackles evilly, then smashes the mirror. Back at home, Marge comforts Lisa.

MARGE
Honey, you look fine.

Santa's Little Helper comes bounding up to Lisa, but when she smiles, the dog runs away scared. Lisa trudges upstairs. The doorbell rings and Homer goes to answer it.

HOMER
Who is it?

VOICE
Goons.

HOMER
Who?

VOICE
Hired Goons.

HOMER
(opening door) Hired Goons?

The goons grab Homer roughly and take him away. One steps back into the doorway and shakes his tie. They take him to Burns' Mansion.

BURNS
Ah, Homer I hope "Crusher" and "Low Blow" didn't hurt you.

HOMER
Y'know, you could have just called me.

BURNS
Oh yes, but the telephone is so impersonal. I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons.

HOMER
Hired Goons?

Burns gives Homer the grand tour.

BURNS
This is the largest TV in the free world.

He turns it on. The bumblebee guy is on. He goes to his bed to find a skunk there.

BUMBLEBEE GUY
Aye! Un gato marodoro!

They enter another room, full of monkeys chained to typewriters.

BURNS
This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to mankind. (reads one of the typewriters) "It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times"?! you stupid monkey! (monkey screeches) Oh, shut up.

They finish in a dingy basement.

BURNS
And this is my basement.

HOMER
Gee, it's not as nice as the other rooms.

BURNS
Yes, I really should stop ending the tour with it. Now, let's get down to business.

HOMER
(thinking) Oh, man. I really have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?

A leaking pipe drips water in the background, and Smithers pours a cup of coffee.

BURNS
Now Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to know that you're looking out for number one. Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon.

HOMER
Ooh, which way to the bathroom?

BURNS
Oh, it's the twenty-third door on the left.

Homer runs down a long corridor, checking every door.

HOMER
Nope. Nope. Nope.

BURNS
Ah, he wouldn't even hear me out. (Homer returns) Find the bathroom alright?

HOMER
Uh... yeah...

Burns brings Homer home in his helicopter. Marge rushes out to greet him and her hair is chopped off by the blades.

BURNS
(menacing) Well, you've won this round Simpson, but I'll ground you into the earth like a bug! (helicopter takes off, but he falls out) Aah! (Homer & Marge rush over) Simpson, be a dear and rub my legs until the feeling comes back.

Burns is soon on a stretcher and carried away dangling from the helicopter.

BURNS
A bug, I tell you, a bug!!

He laughs evilly as his stretcher hits the side of a house in the distance.

HOMER
Ugh, I'm going to resign. I don't know why they made me union president in the first place.

MARGE
Because they love you down at the plant!

HOMER
Yeah, you're right. Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh.

MARGE
Mmm... it doesn't sound like they like you at all.

HOMER
You know, I think you're right. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm going to punch Lenny in the back of the head.

The next morning, Lenny is drinking a cup of coffee. Homer punches him in the back of the head.

At Springfield Elementary, it's picture day.

SKINNER
Button down those cowlicks! Straighten that part! Uncross those eyes, mister!

KID
But I can't!

SKINNER
Oh. Sorry, Quigley.

Lisa is about to have her picture taken.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Come on honey, smile! I bet you've got a beautiful smile. Why don't you share it with the world? (Lisa smiles, revealing her braces, the photographer gasps) There is no God!

He takes a photo of Lisa sad.

Another Union meeting.

HOMER
Fellow workers, I've been meeting with Mr. Burns day and night, and I've had enough.

ALL
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

CARL
All in favor of a strike?

ALL
Aye!

CARL
All opposed?

MEEK VOICE
Nay.

HOMER
Who keeps saying that?

The crowd parts to reveal a meek guy and a big guy at the back of the room. The meek guy speaks.

MAN
(pointing to big guy) It was him. Let's get him, fellas.

Everyone beats up the big guy. The meek guy chuckles.

ACT THREE

Outside the power plant, Lisa plays guitar and sings a protest song to inspire the strikers.

LISA
Come gather 'round children,
It's high time ye learned,
'Bout a hero named Homer,
And a devil named Burns.
We'll march till we drop,
The girls and the fellas,
We'll fight till the death
Or else fold like umbrellas.

Strikers rock Chief Wiggum's car.

WIGGUM
(inside) Ah, this is the life.

Burns watches on the balcony.

BURNS
Smithers, get me some strikebreakers. The kind they had in the thirties.

Abe Simpson and the other pensioners are in Burns' office. Burns and Smithers look pretty bored.

ABE
We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. (pensioners agree) Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. (Burns and Smithers sigh) They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

Burns then gets ready to hose down the strikers.

BURNS
Full power, Smithers!

However, the hose is held under his arm and the water can't get through. The pressure builds up and Burns goes flying. Lisa concludes her song.

LISA
So we'll march day and night, by the big cooling tower,
They have the plant, but we have the power.

LENNY
Now do Classical Gas.

She plays it. Burns watches Homer visiting the snack cart.

BURNS
Look at him, strutting around like he's cock of the walk. Well let me tell you, Homer Simpson is cock of nothing! You and I can run this plant ourselves.

So they do, all smiles and dancing. However, they get some robot workers (100% Loyal) which turns on them.

ROBOTS
Crush! Kill! Destroy!

Kent Brockman presents Smartline.

KENT
Tonight, on Smartline, the power plant strike: argle bargle, or fooforaw? With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson, and talk show mainstay, Dr. Joyce Brothers.

DR. JOYCE BROTHERS
I brought my own mike!

KENT
Yes, well... Homer, organized labor has been called "a lumbering dinosaur".

HOMER
Aah!!

KENT
My director is telling me not to talk to you any more.

HOMER
Woohoo!

KENT
Uh, Mr. Burns, you mentioned you wanted an opening tirade.

BURNS
Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city. (threatening) No one will be spared! NO ONE!!!

KENT
(chuckling) A thrilling vision of things to come.

Burns and Smithers march down the corridors of the plant, past numerous security measures, eventually leading to a hidden control room, where the back door is open and off it's hinges.

BURNS
Oh, for God's sake! (slams door shut) Good bye, Springfield. From Hell's heart, I stab at thee!

He presses a button on the control panel in front of him. The power is Springfield goes out. Everyone immediately starts looting. An electric sign shows a marquee saying "Total Blackout In Springfield." The lights outside the power plant go out. The strikers pause, then Lisa starts playing the guitar again, and everyone gathers in a circle, singing.

STRIKERS
So we'll march day and night, by the big cooling tower,
They have the plant, but we have the power.
So we'll march day and night, by the big cooling tower,
They have the plant, but we have the power.

On his balcony, Burns listens.

BURNS
Look at them all, through the darkness I'm bringing. They're not sad at all. They're actually singing! (to Smithers) They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers! (groaning) Oh, tell Simpson I'm ready to deal.

Homer and Burns sit at a table.

BURNS
Alright, Simpson, you can have your dental plan, on one condition: you must resign as head of the union!

HOMER
Woohoo!

Homer walks in circles on the floor, saying "woob woob".

BURNS
Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson is not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.

Homer goes out to the strikers.

HOMER
We're goin' back to work!

ALL
Yay!

Electricity returns to Springfield. At Fake Vomit, inc. everyone cheers as the machines spring back into action. At the dentist, the whole family gather round Lisa.

MARGE
Oh, honey, you can hardly see your new braces.

LISA
And that's the tooth!

Everyone laughs.

DR. WOLFE
Whoops, I left the gas on.

Everyone laughs uproariously. Fade to credits.