UK censorship guide: Season 13

ACT 1
Lenny & Carl are crushed by a helicopter

Cut in pre-watershed airings.

Lenny: Carl, let me die first. I couldn't bear to watch you die.
Carl: Well okay, but hurry up.
(Lenny struggles then dies. Carl does the same.)
Homer: Oh Moe, they're dead! And it's all my fault!

ACT 2
Marge calls the police

UltraHouse: This is constable Wiggums. We'll be right there. Remove your knickers and wait in the bath.

ACT 3
Bart defeats the evil Lord Montymort (Mr. Burns)

Cut in pre-watershed airings.

Slithers: Oh sir! In death, we shall be together always.
(Slithers sobs and wraps his mouth around Lord Montymort's feet. In a few gulps, swallows him whole.)
Bart & Lisa: Ew!

ACT 1
The guys take over Moe's

Cut in pre-watershed airings.

(Homer tries fixing the jukebox, and smashes it with his fist. Blood appears and starts spraying profusely from Homer's wound. Homer screams in agony.)
Lenny: Homer, are you OK?
Homer: (still bleeding, thumbs up, fainting) Heyyyy!

ACT 2
Homer is sad that he is no longer in charge at Moe's

Cut in pre-watershed airings.

Homer: It's not fair, just when I was getting to be the world's greatest bartender, it's all snatched away. (Offers a bottle to Bart.) Freshen your drink, pal?
Bart: Just leave the bottle.
(Homer gives Lisa a cigarette and lights it.)
Homer: There you go, doll.
(Lisa coughs and puts it out. Homer gestures to a dozing Maggie.)
Homer: Look buddy, I don't care where you go but you can't sleep here.

ACT 3
At "m", the newly-restyles Moe's

Cut in pre-watershed airings.

(Homer, Barney and Carl are at the oxygen bar; Lenny is in a giant hamster wheel.)
Lenny: I'm trapped! This is creative design run amok!
Homer: That's it! I'm gonna tell Moe exactly what I think of his...
(He rushes back to get more oxygen)

ACT 3
Moe is talking with the models at the revamped "m"

Cut in pre-watershed airings.

Model: After Chernobyl, my penis, is falling off.
Moe: And "penis" is Russian for...?
Homer: Moe, we want our bar back!

ACT 3
Homer is hunting

Cut in pre-watershed airings.

Lisa: Dad, you shot Moe!
Homer: Oh no! This time I really am gonna faint! (he does so, and his head gets caught in a bear trap)
Homer: Owww! Son of a...

ACT 1
Burns & Smithers enter a lap-dancing club

Cut in pre-watershed airings.

Burns: Great heavens! It's one of those nude female firestations! Oh, I'd always be second place to some kitten stuck in a tree. Let's go Smithers. Smithers?
(Smithers is cowering from two dancers in the corner.) Smithers: Aah! Aah! Aah!

ACT 2
Homer takes Burns' leftover aphrodesiac

Cut in pre-watershed airings.

(Homer carries Marge upstairs, tongue gagging. Cut to Homer & Marge in bed, afterward; they both groan.)
Marge: Oh Homie, that was amazing! (gasps) I hope the kids didn't hear us!
(Cut to shot of Bart with a shocked look on his face. Ditto Lisa. Ditto Flanders.)
Flanders: Wow!

ACT 1
Willy and Seamus fight

Willy: Ach, ya speak like a poet, betcha punch like one too!
(Willy and Seamus start to fight.)
Seamus: Oh, ow, ya bastard!
Willy: Gah!
(Willy punches Seamus away.)

ACT 1
During the Civil War re-enactment

Mayor Quimby: And now... let the battle be joined.
(Pan upwards as an Abraham Lincoln look-a-like shoots himself in the head. The battle commences.)
Lenny: Bang Bang!
Carl: Pow Pow!
Moe: Hit with stick!
(Moe hits a solider with a stick)
Moe: Die, ya bastard.

ACT 3
Apu is about to hang himself

Apu: (tying noose) Over, under, round and round, so your feet won't touch the ground.
(Apu swings the noose over a pipe, ready to hang himself.)
Apu: Now, let's see what a waits me in the next life. First I was a tiger, than a snake, then a goat, then me, next... oh a tapeworm... then, assistant to Lorne Michaels. Oh, it's going to be a rough couple of life times.
(Apu puts his head in the noose, as Manjula, Marge and Homer walk in.)

ACT 1
In the court room

Judge Snyder: Homer Simpson, for attempted insecticide and aggravated buggery, I sentence you to 200 hours of community service.

ACT 3
Homer is about to be executed

(Homer is being strapped in to the electric chair. One guy pulls a sponge out of a bucket of water, he clenches it as water escapes. He then places it on Homer's head. Wiggum sheds a tear.)

ACT 3
After a call from the Governor

Yes Guy: The governor says he hopes you're a twitcher. Oh Yes!
Homer: Oh.
Wiggum: Chin up, Homer. 'Cause we gotta put an electrode there to ground the Brain Stem.
(Homer raises his head as Wiggum does what he just said.)
Wiggum: Thank you.
(Wiggum turns and puts his thumb up to the Officer at the lever.)

ACT 3
A few seconds later...

Marge: I'll always love you.
(The Officer pulls the lever, as Homer lets loose a loud scream.)
Officer: You're on frame-up!