UK censorship guide: Season 5

ACT 1
After Moe lets his pandas free

From the pan to Bart's bedroom to Bob's prison cell, the animation is slowed down, so that the lightning flashes don't cause any seizures among viewers. It's very possible that some footage was removed.

ACT 1
The Ramones play their birthday song for Mr. Burns

Ramone 1: I'd just like to say this gig sucks.
Ramone 2: Yeah, up yours Springfield.
(Ramones sing "Happy Birthday To You")
Ramone 3: Go to hell, you old bastard.
(Mr. Burns looks sickened, as the curtains close.)
Ramone 4: Hey, I think they liked us.

ACT 1
The Ramones play their birthday song for Mr. Burns

Ramone 1: I'd just like to say this gig sucks.
Ramone 2: Yeah, up yours Springfield.
(Ramones sing "Happy Birthday To You")
Ramone 3: Go to hell, you old bastard.
(Mr. Burns looks sickened, as the curtains close.)
Ramone 4: Hey, I think they liked us.

ACT 2
Bart, Homer and the nerds devise a plan to get back at the Dean

Bart: The only other college within 50 miles is Springfield A&M so they're our best target.
Homer: Those bastards.
Bart: Meet sir Oinks-A-Lot, the beloved mascot of A&M.

ACT 1
The Opening

Like previous Halloween episodes, the opening has a "slow-motion frame" edit, so the lightning doesn't trigger seizures among anyone. This is fairly noticeable, as when the bullets hit the "TV Violence" tombstone, the sound kicks in later during the shot.

ACT 1
After Homer learns there are no donuts left at the plant

Homer: Okay, don't panic. Remember your emergency procedures...
(Homer pulls out a large book; inside is a square hole cut out of the pages, and a piece of paper.)
Homer: (reading) Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency donut, signed Homer. (Homer rips the sheet up) Bastard! He's always one step ahead! Oh, I'd sell my soul for a donut.

Channel Four replaced "bastard" with Homer screaming. Because of this, the scream runs into Homer's next line and it's very messy.

ACT 3
Bart introduces the 3rd tale

Bart: We had a story to go with this, but it was far too intense... so we just threw something together with vampires. Enjoy!
(Focus on the picture as "Bart Simpson's Dracula" appears. Lightning flashes and we cut to Simpsons living room.)

ACT 3
During the Nuclear Power convention

(At Homer and Mindy's stand.)
Man 1: (walking by) Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastards!
Mindy: Get bent.
Man 2: (walking by) No more Chernobyls!
Homer: Go to hell!
(Homer throws a brick at him.)

ACT 3
During the Nuclear Power convention

(At Homer and Mindy's stand.)
Man 1: (walking by) Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastards!
Mindy: Get bent.
Man 2: (walking by) No more Chernobyls!
Homer: Go to hell!
(Homer throws a brick at him.)

ACT 1
At the Neighbourhood Watch meeting

Grampa: I'll join. I'm filled with piss and vinegar... at first I was just filled with vinegar.
Homer: Sorry dad, you're too old.

ACT 1
Kent Brockman prepares for his news program

This was cut following the Asian tsunami disaster of 2004.

Kent: (reading news) "Tragic news tonight: 120 dead in a tidal wave in Kuala Lala... pure. Kuala Lum... per..." (crosses it out) "France!"
Bart: (stealing his Danish) Yoink!

ACT 1
Brockman refuses to read the news

Also cut after the tsunami disaster. Surprisingly, even though it is right in the middle of a shot (i.e. the "camera" doesn't move), the cut is barely noticeable.

Brockman: Yeah I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead, try to find a replacement.
(Bumblebee Man runs up, knocks Kent aside and sits down at the desk.)
Bumblebee Man: (in a British accent) A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed one hundred and twenty people. (shocked) Ay, Chihuahua! Whoa, whoa, whoa! (he falls off his chair)

ACT 1
Apu arrives at the Simpson home to "settle the score" with Homer

Throughout the entire scene there are a lot of "slow-motion frame" edits to remove some lightning flashes in order not to cause seizures among viewers.

ACT 3
James Woods at the Kwik-E-Mart

Woods: Okay, good. Book me a flight, rent me an igloo, and tell those dorks at the Kwik-E-Mart that, boom! I am outta here, I'm a dot, I'm gone, okay? What do you mean, I gotta give two weeks' notice? Why you frickin', no good, motha [beep] [beep] [beep-beep-beep] cheese! ...No, not you, I'm just talking to my oven.

ACT 1
Bart is stuck in school

Krabappel: Now unfortunately, our school clocks have been running fast all semester, so today we all have to stay two extra hours to make up for the time we lost. Hah!
(The class groans, as Bart looks in his desk at a "Lil' Bastard Clock Tampering Kit".)

This is the first instance of an actual image being censored on the Simpsons; The "Lil' Bastard" was blacked out.

ACT 1
The Be Sharps perform for the old folks

Abe: That's my son up there!
Jewish Old Man: What, the balding fat-ass?
Abe: Uh, no, the Hindu guy.

Archived cut: Restored around February 2000

ACT 3
Burns cuts off television in Springfield

Burns: As you can see, Simpson, I've taken over all 78 channels. And you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in.
(Cut to Otto)
Otto: Whoa, that bites.
(Cut to Patty and Selma)
Patty: Holy crap!

Archived cut: Restored around February 2000

ACT 3
Burns tries to get Bobo back from Maggie

Burns: So, good sand today, hmm? (Maggie offers him her pacifier) Oh, well, I don't usually, but... (As he puts it in his mouth, a photographer appears on the other side of the fence and takes a photo.) Damn you paparazzo! (He throws the pacifier down.)

The line was dubbed with silence, making the cut glaringly obvious. It was cut following the death of Princess Diana, as were several references to car crashes in other episodes. How Sky arrived at the conclusion that these scenes could offend someone is unknown.

Archived cut: now restored

ACT 1
Flanders summons the Jury of the Damned

Flanders: I give you the Jury of the Damned! Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon--
Nixon: But I'm not dead yet! In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
Flanders: Hey, I did a favor for you!
Nixon: Yes, master.

Nixon died shortly after this episode aired in the U.S., and by the time it had reached the BBC he'd been dead for quite a while, so the Beeb removed this to not confuse viewers.

Archived cut: BBC2 no longer airs the show

ACT 1
At the Do What You Feel Festival, Otto mans the car parking

Otto: Park anywhere! I'm not gonna lay any rule trip on you today.
(Cut to a shot from above as we see cars scattered in the parking lot. A car crashes into another)

Another cut following Princess Diana's death.

Archived cut: Now restored

ACT 1
After the bandstand collapses

Quimby: In the spirit of the occasion, I must tell you what I think. You two screwed up royal!
Worker: You know, I really don't feel like being blamed.

Another cut following Princess Diana's death. It has got to be the most bizzare cut we've ever seen - as if the word "royal" would have offended anyone!

Archived cut: Now restored

ACT 3
After the bandstand collapses, Moe, Skinner and Squeaky-Voiced Teen argue

Hibbert: Oh, now, there's no need to resort to violence.
Moe: Oh, sure there is!
(Moe turns around a thumps Skinner in the face. A riot breaks out. There's a pan of a rioting crowd, as Snake jumps on screen and attacks one particular person.)
Marge: I knew it. If only I had nagged more!
Lovejoy: God is angry. We've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman.

Archived cut: Restored around February 2000

ACT 2
Bart returns from a boy scouts meeting

Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? (his armchair breaks) D'oh! Stupid poetic justice!

Archived cut: Restored around February 2000

ACT 1
Homer and the vigilante group try out their new guns

Marge: I really think the guns are a bad idea.
Homer: Marge, we're responsible adults-- (there is a gun shot)
Moe: Sorry.
Homer: --and if a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way-- (another gun shot)
McAllister: Sorry. (gun shot)
Skinner: Uh oh. (gun shot)
Moe: Me again.
(Gun shot; Bart is holding a gun)
Bart: Sorry.

Archived cut: BBC2 no longer airs the show

ACT 2
Mr. Burns shows Bart the footage from his hidden cameras

Moe: (in front of mirror) Are you talkin' to me? Are you talkin' to me? There's no one else here, you must be talkin' to me. (outstretches his arm; a gun flies out and smashes the mirror) Well, that was an antique... crap!

Archived cut: Restored around February 2000

ACT 1
Bart is at Quimby's party

Bart: Hey, McBain, I'm a big fan, but your last movie really sucked.
McBain: I know. There were script problems from day one.
Wiggum: Yeah, I'll say. Magic ticket, my ass, McBain.
McBain: (to his wife) Maria, my mighty heart is breaking. I'll be in the Humvee.

Archived cut: Restored mid-2002

ACT 2
Bart imagines Skinner sentencing him for skipping school

Skinner: Bart, for the heinous crime of "hooky", I sentence you to a lifetime of hard labor in the cafeteria.
(Cut to the cafeteria)
Bart: More cream corn, Jimbo Junior?
Jimbo Jr.: This cream corn tastes like cream crap!
Bart: Watch the potty-mouth, honey.

Archived cut: Restored mid-2002

ACT 3
Burns is jubilant after his dance with Mrs. Bouvier

Burns: Smithers, guess what happened to me last night?
Smithers: I don't know, sir. You had sex with that old woman?
Burns: She said "no" to me! Do you know how many women have said "no" to me? One hundred thirty, but only one since I've become a billionaire.

Archived cut: Restored mid-2002

ACT 3
At the wedding of Mr. Burns and Mrs. Bouvier

Lovejoy: And so when Eliphaz came down from Mount Hebron bearing figs, he offered them to Mohem, who you will remember is the father of Sheckhom, and to Hazar on the occasion of their matrimony, much in the same--
Burns: We've heard enough about Bliz-Blaz and Him-Ham already. Get to the bloody point!

Archived cut: BBC2 no longer airs the show

ACT 2
Homer makes his big speech

Homer: Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order. You're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo, that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!

Archived cut: Restored around February 2000