Secrets of a Successful Marriage

Rating: 4.1 (155 votes)

Memorable quotes

Homer: Don't try to eat these so-called 'chips'.

Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums, or read books or anything.
Homer: You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge, they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher ad more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves! But they won't! They won't let me live!

Homer: Oh. And how is 'education' supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

Manager: We need someone to teach a course on how to build a successful marriage.
Homer: I'll do it! Anything to get me out of that house, away from all that nagging, and noise... uh, of a family of love. Tra-la-la-la!

Homer: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do!! Forget it Marge, it's Chinatown!!!

Homer: What is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as "the process of removing weeds from one's garden".

Homer: Well, let's just call them... uh, 'Mr. X' and 'Mrs. Y'. So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson!"

Homer: Keep up the roughhousing, son! Without a strong male presence in the house, you could turn sissy overnight! Oh, these stubborn grass stains!

Homer: Good news, Lisa! I don't need your mother anymore. I've created a replacement for her that's superior to her in almost every way!
Lisa: Dad, that's just a plant.
Homer: Lisa! You will respect your new mother! Now, give her a kiss. Kiss her! (he knocks the plant out of the treehouse) Aah! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! All right, let's get our stories straight... she tripped, right?

Homer: Lisa you're smart, help me trick her into taking me back!
Lisa: Dad, you can't trick somebody into loving you. There's a reason two people come together and stay together - there's something they give each other that nobody else can give them. If you wanna get Mom back, you'll just have to remember what you give her that no one else can.
Homer: I'll pay you forty dollars if you think of it for me.
Lisa: No.
Homer: Okay...thirty.

Homer: If he can teach a class, HE can teach a class! I mean, I can teach a class!

Notes

• Homer tells the family that Lenny said he was slow, when in fact it was Carl.
• The classes at the Adult Education Annex are "Turn A Man Into Putty In Your Hands" taught by Patty & Selma, "Funk Dancing For Self-Defense" by Moe, "How To Chew Tobacco" by Lenny, "How To Eat An Orange" by Hans Moleman, and "Secrets of a Successful Marriage" by Homer Simpson.
• Students in Lenny's class include Otto, Willy, Jasper, Grampa, Captain McAllister, Hans Moleman, and the Crazy Old Man.
• Students in Homer's class include Carl, Apu, Sideshow Mel, Smithers, Principal Skinner, Mrs. Krabappel, Lionel Hutz, Willy, Otto, Barney Princess Kashmir.
• Smithers still wears his ID badge in Homer's class.
• Everyone is surprised that Marge's blue hair isn't natural.
• Moe gives marge 4 flowers, but when she puts them in the vase they become 7 flowers.

References

• When Homer is trying to convince the manager that he has a perfect family, he sings a line from "Family Ties."
• Homer's big speech to Marge is a combination of lines from other films/TV series, including "A Few Good Men," "Patton" and "Chinatown".
• Smithers' recollection of his marriage parodies "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof."